In this walk with God, I am realizing that it is now time to speak. Listening to one’s problem was always easy for me and but for me to be open up about my pain, struggles… well, I only share with a certain few. I don’t like to put all of my business out there. I am private person. Yes, I am social and can talk for days but my personal mess is my own personal mess. I am okay in other’s eyes, at least that’s what I want to be seen as. Come to me with your problems and I will have the resolution. That was my MO and I was cool with it, yet in this choice I lost my very soul. I was not being truly honest with myself. I became the nurturer, making sure everything was okay with everyone else… yet, never coming to grasp of my own internal struggles and fears. I was never truly coming to grasp who I truly was, am… created to be.
I remember I had a dream in which I was in this huge church, filled with so many people. The people were speaking non-stop, wanting to share their stories, and some praying. There was a person with a microphone and it was now my turn to speak. I smiled and turned away. I wasn’t ready. The next person then took my turn and I just watched. I had a similar dream in which someone from my past gave me the microphone. I took it… but don’t remember saying anything.
Speaking had always been a fear of mind. God knew this of course and put me in situations in which I had to speak. A shy girl to heart I was terrified to open my mouth. Dance and writing became my modes of expression. Dancing required no words just body movement and my writing was private, journal writing that no one read, only I. I was safe.
Now, after the hiding, the refining, it is now time to speak. It is now time to be heard. Be transparent. The changes, the revelations, the call.
Since this move towards God, I feel like I have been called to hiding. I don’t have huge roles on well-known stages nor in the works to have anything published or seen by the masses. I am strictly doing kingdom work right now. This type of work starts with molding the inner being. To build the inner being successfully it must in service. So, yes I am in the background…in the wings…the waiting room? I have come to the realization that the ego must rest, with the intention to disappear in its entirety.
“When He talks of their losing their selves, He only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts (I am afraid, sincerely) that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever.” —The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
While in hiding, I do tend to get distracted. Social Media does not help much in staying on course. They were many moments when I resided to fast from facebook (the only social media I take part in) to dismiss comparisons made from others’ profiles, but then ask my sister about certain individuals. I would catch myself when I would do this, knowing I should not even bother. So, I started to occupy my time….not in full on busyness but moved towards activities that brought me peace. I started reading spiritual texts (ie. The Bible) , writing, working out, and working with children. I started to cultivate my own interests. I was no longer looking to others to show me or inspire me… I was moving along on my own.
As I stayed on course, I was no longer in solitude, people started to appear on my path. Some were new and some were from my past. They understood me and were headed in the same direction as I was, as I am.
The letting go of self then leads you to be led. You no longer have a 3 or 5 year plan, rather each day is being orchestrated to your needs. These needs exceed your selfish desires to attain status and/or money but the ultimate need of refinement becomes the top priority. In this trek to refinement, I had to let go of a lot of things that were comfortable to me. This included some friends, places, activities… and move towards people, places and activities that caused growth from within. This change was abrupt too! I would have a inkling, feel a push to go in a certain direction and then do it, not really knowing where it would take me. I simply went with the flow.
In this flow. I was alone for awhile, leaving behind some social circles, not knowing why. I prayed, asking God, “why do I have to be alone?” only to receive the answer, “because it’s the only way.” I proceeded to follow through not knowing what was really happening to me. Yet, I knew I was changing or rather becoming or rather going back ….to me. (I must reiterate again not the me I created but the me I was created to be.) God had this plan for me and somehow on the course I got distracted or stepped away from Him, or maybe lost faith in Him and decided to do my own thing.
The prodigal son comes to mind. My dad even called me that when I returned home from NY. I was offended because I didn’t think I had become this ungrateful daughter running away from my family. Yet before I left for NY (actually way before the move) my mind was made up that I knew exactly how to attain happiness, peace and success and it was not at home, so I left. Don’t get me wrong I got a great education and had a great job….but I don’t think that’s how God intended me to go at it. I felt this immense amount of heaviness…literally! I could feel my body slowing down. I was working hard but not producing any fruit.
So, yes I am the prodigal son. On my knees begging for mercy and willing to do it another way. Not my will be done.