So, this past week I received confirmation on a dream a had… the sunset dream in which I was walking on water with Jesus and He then tells me, “This is where I leave.” Well, in my own understanding I was thinking it meant this is my time to reflect, meditate, which will always be a constant but I have come to realize that I am being tested…tested right before the breakthrough:
“Are you truly ready for what I am about to do? Let me see,” said Jesus
Now, I was quite aware some tests that have already come along my way. The temptation test, in which I am presented with something I had let go… will I go back to it? So far, I think I am staying on course. The old habits, old places, and old activities don’t interest anymore. Then, the patience test, which is a everyday trial in working with children with special needs… So much better at this…I internalize the desire to throw a calculator at the wall, breath in, then move on. Also, my anxiety to have everything now: family, career, business has subsided… starting to realize that preparation and His timing is key. So, I feel like I can handle those tests, but one test that is taking some effort is the one and only… maybe the hardest test of them all….The Forgiveness Test.
So, I had a conversation with my co-worker last week about the cycle of hurt and the urgency to heal old wounds. She’s studying psychology and I am always intrigued on what she’s learning. This particular subject struck a cord with me because just the day before I prayed to God to help me to forgive a friend of mine. We were really good friends. We had met each other when life seemed like a ball of confusion. We were both lost but found peace in each other…we found love in a hopeless place (yes, me and Rihanna have that in common.) I could be all of me… goofy, introspective…the authentic me. (This was way before me being comfortable in my own skin with everyone.) This friend made me laugh, and made me not think about my frustrations and worries. I loved this friend..and still do. Yet, in time, this friend, out of nowhere, hurt me. I had never experienced this much hurt from anyone…no one in my own family has hurt me this much as this person did. Although it has been a year or so since the damage has been done, I still hold onto the hurt. Yes, I am able to move on and enjoy my life but when I think of this person it goes straight to his actions and how they impacted me. I have resigned to only connect with this person via social media but to be face to face… I’m not sure if I am able to let go of all that he has put on me. While talking to God, I asked him to show me what I had done to bring this on me. I did an analysis of the whole situation, but I found no fault. I did nothing but love this person… I gave, and gave but he only brought me down.
I had a dream recently that kind of put this issue in perspective. This person was waiting for me…. and my mom was seated right next to him waiting for me also. I had always had a decent relationship with my mother but it was strained in some parts throughout my life… and even now. My teenage years was spent in being ungrateful and treating my mother with disrespect… and now that I am back home there are still moments that I seek rebellion. I am almost positive God wants me to resolve our relationship and redeem the time that was lost. She gave, and gave but I only brought her down… wow, am I getting a taste of my own medicine?
My mother is an amazing person. She has been, and is a constant in my life. She offers me support, encouragement and unconditional love, even when my actions can cause her pain….I am sorry mom.
In this time of waiting HE has made me aware of my hidden talents but also aware of hidden hurt… hurt that I have put on others and those that have hurt me. Thank God I have never done or no one has ever done anything that has lead to a physical death, but to harbor unforgiveness and a desire not to resolve relationships can lead to my very spiritual death. No matter how I try to cover it up with smiles and good deeds. I know I am being asked…NO, I am being DEMANDED to forgive and make amends.
‘Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.