Accountability: Did you create today?

I recently went to a bible study led by one of my closet friends from college.  It’s crazy how people come into your life…some stay for a season and others stay for a while.  Those that stay for a season teach you something about yourself  and those that stay, witness your growth and walk alongside you through your transitions.  The ones that stay for a season, may encourage you from a distance or may back away from the “new” you, or rather the authentic you.  Lately I’ve witnessed and gone through some changes with friendships. One, in particular, shocked me because a newfound friendship has now come to nothing.  I had hoped it would have somehow blossomed into something beautiful.  Yet, in time it died into nothing.  We communicate but only online: texting and social media.  I have tried numerous times to see this friend face to face, IRL,  but it doesn’t seem to happen.  I am now at the point of letting go.  Not so much of letting this friend go, but my effort to connect “offline” is no more.  I don’t want to disconnect entirely from this friend, because on paper we are a pretty nice match.  We have the same interests, goals, values… yet, it is very much standstill right now.  This friend actually inspired me to go beyond my work environment and hone into my talents…  Not directly but simply being in their presence.  This friendship pushed me to grow in the arts, to create those opportunities and work towards them.  This friend was in the same ordeal as I was.  We both had this job that was in the arts but yearned to do something on our own… to build an empire.  We had even talked about building something together… I’m kind of hoping we can still build this empire and both put our egos aside.

I have also witnessed friendships changing.  A friend, who started out as a co-worker.  My relationship with this co-worker evolved when we both experienced a loss of drive in our day jobs, we started to seek joy elsewhere.  At first, we hit the pavement looking for new jobs, even open to the possibility of going back to school.  Yet, nothing panned out.  We were struggling to find peace.  Our frustrations were very vocal in conversations, and a newfound friendship started to form.  I started to get back to writing and she began a podcast with a mutual friend.  I started reading, working out, praying more… I was discovering my self outside of my work environment.  In time we both were getting our feet wet in this exciting place.  This place did not have a consistent paycheck, nor any money at all yet it brought us both joy.  We made a commitment to each other, more an accountability agreement.  “Did you create today?”

Time passed and we finished our small projects here and there and encouraged each other along the way.  I started to pull back from outings and people just to own this time to create.  Small breaks from social media did the trick… the need to compare became obsolete… well, it wasn’t so prominent as before.  Soon, co-worker/friend decided to create together.  Similar background in theater/ visual arts leads us to create a film.  In all this self-discovery, old ideas started to strip, and I started to pull back from certain people.  My desire to create became stronger… and my desire for Him, pulled me to seek moments alone.  I wanted to know more… ultimately I needed His inspiration. Also, I felt like no one could give me that clear direction… I had to do this on my own… at least for that moment. In this phase, it was hard especially when I would get a glimpse of everyone on social media.  I got distracted and put my work aside.  I had these moments quite a bit.. and in these moments I had some episodes… crying… wondering why it was not clicking for me.

The summer went by, me-time on full blast and the dynamic of friendships changed… but surprising I stayed afloat… and I managed to finish a play I started a year ago.  In finishing that project, I changed churches, (I haven’t joined this new church but the new environment is giving me that strong spiritual foundation I need right now)  and my desire to “gain access to my door beyond” has become stronger. This goes back to the bible study I mentioned at the beginning of this post.  That was The Word: “Gain access to your door beyond.”  We were asked to write down three words that came to mind after hearing that phrase.  My three words: outside of school, play, writer.  It was now time to seek beyond… to open MY door.  In breaking down the phrase, we came to the conclusion that the door is there, has been there, it was only waiting on you to open it, this door opens up to endless opportunities/ possibilities… this door is behind our fears, insecurities, doubt… access to this door takes faith, courage, and Trust in God.  It is now time for me to open this door not only to experience newness outside of myself but open this door to my authentic self.  To let go of fear, insecurities, and doubt and fully embrace me, even if I am alone for a while, even if people pull away for me, even if I am scared . It is now time to be who I was created to be: outside of school, play, writer.

 

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.

Jeremiah 1:5 NIV

 

Once On This Island Jr. Spring 2019. A piece of the vision that He has revealed to me

I had to add part 2 to the title because I realized that I had already used this title before… way back when.  At the time, I was caught up with a boy who I had taken my power… crazy but I don’t even remember which boy I was talking about.  I guess that’s a good thing.  I overcame… oh, yes I remember who it was.  I wish him well.  Moving on… this time I focusing on the power of prayer.  A few weeks ago, I had decided to pray out loud and speak with declaration… I was angry, no fed up… announcing my growth and, the changes I made to get to this point. I decided that I didn’t want to cry or be frustrated about the situation I was in because I was tired of crying.  I had done time and time again and I was done! The tears didn’t make it better… for a moment but not really.  I prayed this time with assertiveness… “You told me this was going to happen.  You told me that was going to come together… I want my blessings now Lord!  I don’t want to cry anymore… I want the blessings you told me about.  The blessings you showed me.”  I said this prayer in my car.  I drove up the driveway, about to cry about the same thing I had been crying over before, opened up the garage, no cars in the garage… I was home alone.  I parked my car into the garage.  Turned off my car. And I started my prayer.  I started speaking out loud.  telling Him I was tired of crying over this… I was tired of being frustrated over this… I was done with my response while in this process.  I declared his power over this situation and declared his vision.  “You are…” “You said…” and crazy I never shed a tear during the prayer.. after the prayer… or the rest of the days that followed.

I know this sounds odd but after I said that prayer, I truly started to believe in the POWER in prayer…something in me started to change.  That prayer gave me so much confidence…The prayer opened up something in me.  I had never felt this before.  I had heard before: Prayer can create miracles, but I think it has a lot has to do with how you pray.  I had never really prayed like that… born and raised Catholic, my natural instinct is to recite memorized prayers, or keep it nice and quiet.  Yet, at this moment, I felt moved… to preach, really.  When I said this prayer… a change happened within me… a power came upon me.  It was not this supernatural whirlwind that whipped me into a different dimension but there was this supernatural knowing that All is well… I will get to the vision… now, you are on board. Now, you believe.  Now you are speaking in Faith, Megan.

So, the origin of this prayer came from my frustration of waiting on God.  I had always had this gift of vision.  God tends to clue me into what is to transpire.  When I was in NY, after about 3 or 4 years I was given a vision… I remember I was on the B38, riding down Dekalb Avenue looking out the window I saw a vision.. as if I watching a movie, of me leaving my job at the time.  A going away party in my honor, all saying good-bye.  I was actually fine with this vision, yet tears rolled down my eyes as if I was leaving defeated.  I came to the big city and nothing came together.. as I thought they would…I needed more time… but as the days went by I a sense of peace came upon me, and assurance that it was time to go.

When I came home I was able to slow down, mend relationships, and build a foundation in Him.  My life had gotten all out of focus those last few years in NY.  I was so focused on success, money, and simply M-E, ME.  When I came home, I was able to grasp HIS calling in my life.. and beautifully, without my doing everything fell into place.  Before I saw that bus vision I was simply me-centered.  I was pushing, forcing things to happen… making things happen… but when I followed through, made that move and was I obedient to His call, I saw those around me more clearly.  I needed to sit down, listen, observe, detach… and start His work.

So, I am in this same predicament again.  He gave me a vision but there is no real action I can do.  Like before it was the simple task of moving… packing up my things and head home.  This time, I am not too sure what to do… there is no clear step by step to allow this vision to come to pass.  This is when the gift of vision becomes frustrating and I get downright angry… which prompted “the prayer.”

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, “ GOD has lost track of me. He doesn’t care what happens to me”? Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening? GOD doesn’t come and go. God lasts. He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon GOD get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:27-31‬ ‭MSG‬‬

 

 

November 2018 UIL Middle School District Competition @ Chavez High School.  And A Child Shall Lead Cast and Crew

It’s a been a while since I have written an entry but it is the new year and I have had this overwhelming push to write again.  I had some time to get my footing as a theater arts teacher.  I had gotten so focused on competitions, answering emails, and to be honest, SOCIAL MEDIA… that I didn’t create time to reflect on the whole process through writing in this blog. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted to appear that I had it all under control… when I really worried about every detail on how everything was going to turn out. I was still unsure on how I got here and there I was in the thick of it…

This past year proved to be a time to remind me to get back to writing… to start creating.  Although it has only been three years…well 2 and half years of teaching… I had lost the desire to create. I got in the routine of getting up, heading to work (school), gym and then sleep.  I didn’t prioritize my time to even write a short entry to just get things going.  I don’t ever want to go back to that because to be honest I really don’t want to be teaching for too long.  I enjoy inspiring children.. in fact, I have realized that I enjoy the directorial role, creating an intriguing dynamic between characters in interesting vignettes… but to be locked down in a school for 8 hours, 5 days a week is not what I want for too long…  to be a retired teacher is not my life’s goal…to be working towards retirement of anything, really…

I was really inspired by Suzan-Lori Parks, one of the most innovative playwrights of this time. A friend of mine had taken me to see her… timing is everything.  People come into your life to steer you back on course.  I would not have ever known about this event if he hadn’t told me about it.  God is good.  So in the lecture, she talked about her journey as a writer. How she studied creative writing, which then led to her writing plays, motivated by James Baldwin, himself.  Also, her time spent in New York, in which she wrote, directed her first play at a coffee shop.  She didn’t have much of an audience but she did it.  Her boldness and confidence in her talent sparked something within me…

During the Christmas break, I have been watching old films, particularly Green Pastures and Cabin in the Sky.  Both films have a spiritual… biblical backdrop.  Green Pastures breaks down the stories of the Bible from God’s perspective, giving you a sense of God’s plan, ultimately God’s love.  Cabin in the Sky deals with the spiritual warfare that takes place in our everyday lives centered on a couple, Petunia, a devout follower of Christ and “Little Joe” who is struggling to leave his gambling ways to be more like Petunia.  As I watch these films, I catch myself rewinding certain parts and looking at scenes over and over again.  I laugh and take in the dialogue but something is stirring within me.  The Work is a play I started a few summers ago.  It deals with generational curses and the battle to overcome them…. kind of like the musical Carousel, in which the daughter starts to become just like her deceased father until his spirit intervenes to steer her off his dark path.  I want to create something like these pieces.  I want to create a piece in which we are reminded that the true battle is in the unseen.

I had always had a keen sense of spirit… I have felt the light… and even the dark. The battle is real.  Relationships are his biggest desire to destroy.  Friendships, Family, and Lovers.. the enemy hates it all.  Thoughts of rejection, insecurities, comparison … it’s all part of his deceitful plan to break up unity.  I want to create a piece in which we are reminded of our true enemy… or rather enemies (his crew.)

The play will not serve as a scare tactic but a call to love… to look beyond the negative thoughts that the enemy speaks to you… and be aligned to our true source.  Speak to Jesus/God and activate his power to fight the darkness… He is the only way.

So here’s to 2019:  To create more time to write and finish The Work…. the play and His work in me.

And that about wraps it up.  God is strong, and he wants you strong.  So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons for the best materials.  And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way.  This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours.  This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to finish against the Devil and his angels.

Ephesians 6:10 MSG

 

Period 5 Theater… my favorite class 🙂

I am finding that I am itching to grow in the Arts… as in becoming a better theater arts teacher and I am not sure if I stay still I will grow.  My surroundings are slowly but surely causing me to take the easy route… just be down right lazy.  I know I should not let people steer me off course, but when the majority of the atmosphere is this “bare minimum” state of mind, I can’t help to feel a bit complacent.  I know in the past, I was a minimalist in all aspects in dealing with the day job… not that I had a night gig or anything.   I know, “do better, Megan,”  but, I wasn’t being lazy… I just felt like that was my calling at the time.  The inner work needed to be taken care, so my jobs before never caused me to overdo it, in a sense.  I was a teacher assistant for about 4 years… I had the opportunity to become a dance teacher but in my interview, it became quite obvious that I was not ready for the responsibility…   I needed more for preparation.  I needed more time to accept my calling.  Like David, who spent most of his life in the field before he became king.  Not too much responsibility, but just enough to clear out what needed to be clear out … or rather what needed to be cultivated within me.

Recently, I was reconnected with a friend.  We were in the same circle of friends a few years back…back when I was a “performance artist.” I hung around with a group of artists in the infamous Third Ward.  Now, even though I lived off Kuykendayl and I-45, I would flock to Third Ward two to three times a week to be part of the daily happenings within the circle.   The daily happenings ranged from conjuring up ideas for a grant proposal, rehearsing for the upcoming show, or playing Monopoly…yes, Monopoly.  This group gave me value. I was able to see my worth in this group.  I was surrounded by talent, and most importantly I was accepted by this talent.  Performances, art openings were quite frequent.  There were usually at least 2 exhibitions every week, so I started to meet other artists.  I got to know so many creative people and were actually interested in getting to know me.  It gave that celebrity feeling without me being on the cover PEOPLE magazine.  I was seen.  I was adored even.  I was part of everyone’s art project… everyone wanted me to be part of their project.  I know, I know, “keep at it, maybe you could make a living doing this!” But you see in order to make a living doing something, income must be generated from some source.  I made absolutely no money doing this.  The artists I worked with would apply for these grants, money for these art projects, but I never saw a dime of any of it.  Mind you, these grants were usually a few 1,000 dollars… not even $20 was given to me.  I even posed for a life-sized portrait that was sold for $10,000.  Did I get a smidge of that?  NOPE!  So I was working/ posing for their… let me emphasize THEIR projects and getting nothing in return.  No fruits to my labor.

In time, something hit me and I decided to take a break from it all.  At first, I thought it was just because I got tired of seeing the same people all the time.  As I started to take off a week, then a month, then months, I realized it wasn’t the people that I got tired of but I got tired of being in the dark.  Within this break, my family became a priority and me figuring out who I was, am, without the third ward crew.

Fast-forward to…. two boyfriends later, friendships ended, new ones gained, forgotten friendships renewed, a church that teaches me the true meaning of Worship, and the realization of my calling as a teacher…A path that was nowhere near linear…Unexpected people and places on my path….and having no idea that it would lead me to teach theater.  God certainly put that dream in me… literally! I had a dream of a stage that first started off small with hand-made scenery, then as my eyes shifted towards the right, the stage, or rather each stage got bigger and bigger and the scenery more elaborate than the one before.  A vision of the plan.

So now, my first year as a Theater teacher has come to an end, and my desire to grow in this field has expanded, causing me to seek more nurturing surroundings in the arts… as in leaving my current position.  So, after weighing out the pros and cons, and being content with staying if God called me to.. I applied to another Theater position.  The position was actually in my old stomping grounds… not Third ward.. but Garden Oaks/ Oak Forest area.  This was my home, where I attended elementary school, St. Rose of Lima, and dance classes at Sullivan’s/ Texas Tap Ensemble… This was where I began.

It all happened within a week.  I applied and in that same week got an interview, and the next day I got the job (all before the school year ended, so I didn’t have to spend the entire summer applying to jobs as I did last summer.) It just flowed right together… not a whole lot of effort on my part, just simply God’s grace.

As the new school year approaches, I am a bit nervous, being that I have some major responsibilities to take on.  I want to do well… I want to win this competition and I want to put on a great show… I want to be a great teacher.  More than ever I want to please God… I NEED Him more than ever.  I need His inspiration, pure wisdom, His peace to get me through this.  I am feeling a bit vulnerable these days.. not to the point of tears but I need to call on Him more than I did before… placing a large amount trust in him… which I believe was His plan all along.

Dear God,  I am ready to listen.  I am ready to follow through. I am ready to surrender to the call.

“This is the appointed time.” –  John Gray 🙂 August 23, 2017

And he came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up.  And as was his custom, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and he stood up to read.  And the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written,

And he rolled up the scroll and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on him. And he began to say to them, “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.”

Luke 4:16-21 (ESV)

 

 

 

So It has been a long while since I have written an entry.  Actually, I have made several attempts to start an entry on various topics that crossed my mind in the past…let me think… 8 months.  All attempts were valid but I have decided to start, complete and publish this entry because this subject matter has been a constant theme for the past 8 months.

My last entry dealt with applying for jobs while teaching art during my summer vacation.  A somewhat bittersweet season that pushed me to cling to God and ask for guidance on a daily basis.  In this quest, I did receive revelation via a dream.  I had a dream I was talking to Hispanic young women, teenagers, and I only remember the words I told them in the dream, “You must know your worth.” or something along those lines.  In the dream, the girls simply listened and had the utmost respect for me.  When I woke up, I felt empowered that I had this task to take on and then, of course, I asked, “Why was I only talking to Hispanic young women.”  It simply goes to show that God gives you information little by little because by the end of the summer I had received a job at a high school, teaching theater and dance, along with being the drill team dance assistant director at a high school that was predominantly Hispanic.

The position took some getting used to.  Especially coming from working at a Catholic school in The Heights, and then a magnet school nestled in the lush South Hampton neighborhood.  Then on top of that, having a private school education majority of my life… well, I experienced public school education during my middle school years, which gave some street cred but not a whole lot since the school resided in West University.

So I accepted the position and in the first couple of months, I had to “man-up” and be quite stern with my students.  I was given this advice from a fellow educator who works in the infamous Aldine school district.  It proved to work because it is now spring semester and those once troubled students are now participating, wanting to do better.  And there is an overall sense of respect in all my classes.  No longer do have that one student that changes the whole dynamic, in fact, that one student has now become interested in pursuing theater.  Somehow this overall peace in my classroom is present.  Now, I give no credit to me just me putting my foot down but simply to God.  Since my first day of school, I have been praying over every desk in my classroom.  I do a walk through every morning with my hands extended on the desks, praying my students are able to release any pain and/ or anger in the process of participating in my class.  I guess I was aware at some point in my life that the arts have the power to heal, but it has become quite clear now that I am now the facilitator of this emotional release.

I remember when I first got the position.  When I had the interview with the principal I knew I needed to be there.  The school was nowhere near the utopian school with involved parents or students that did above and beyond but I knew my presence was needed in this moment. I knew I needed to share the arts with THESE students.  I remember the week before school officially started, professional development week
for the teachers, as I was introducing myself to the teachers, and getting my classroom together I had a smile on my face but was suppressing the very fact that I was super nervous and felt… well, inadequate.  I knew God had planned this … this was the next step towards the bigger picture.  I held in a lot of what I was feeling. I was “Faking it, until I made it.” Now, of course, when you hold stuff in they are bound to come out eventually…  well mine came out in tears while in church. The perfect place, right?! I went to church and I don’t particularly remember the sermon but near the end the pastor wanted to do a special prayer over the teachers. The teachers had to stand up while the others had their hands extended towards the teachers in the church. Right when Pastor Jeremy recited the first line of the prayer, tears started to roll down my face, and all that frustration I was holding onto flowed out. This was my emotional release.

I am now in the thick of it.  The school year is about to come to an end and I survived dance competition season!  My theater students are pretty comfortable in expressing themselves, of course in an appropriate manner, and have gotten to know the girls pretty well on the drill team.  The teacher role has certainly crossed over to mentor role.  And yes that “worth” lecture has come up in some various conversations with my students… especially my female students. Yet, more than ever I have even seen that “worth” lecture crossover to my circle of friends and family, and even strangers on my path.  This bringing up of women, in general, has become a trend in my life … I am starting to have more clarity on how to go about it now.

Throughout my life, I have allowed my light to get dim in certain areas of my life.  In comparing myself to others, in looking for men to give me value, and simply not adhering to God’s guidance.  I have been so caught up in seeking outside myself for value and instead of seeking Him to know my value.  At this point in my life, successfully being single for a whole year I now know where my value lies.  I now have boundaries and have shed some “fleshy” attributes of myself.  Of course, this process calls me to pray to Him on the daily to stay on course.  I am not a finished product but I do see a change and that makes me smile… chin up and chest out 🙂

 

This whole summer, particularly this month has been filled with filling out applications and going on interviews.  The interviews have been a blessing, but the rejections have been eye-openers.  The rejections have led to me to ask God constantly, “so what do you want me to do again?”  Surprisingly, the rejections have not put me in a low state…I mean I do have my moments but they don’t last for days.  I’ll speak or cry out my frustrations, then within an hour or so move on to the next application… or wait till the next day…. or next week…Which is exactly what I did the week before my trip to San Diego. On that Monday, a few days before I went on my trip, I had an interview at a school that I really wanted…. well, actually I had two interviews with the same school I really wanted on the same day to first meet with the Fine Arts coordinator and then a second interview with the principal.  I felt good about it and was hoping to get a call right before I left for my trip that Thursday,  so I could enjoy my trip and be at ease….  but my wishes were not met and had to go on my trip with uncertainty.

I had planned on working my teacher modules and fill out job applications while I was on my trip just to stay afloat and be ready for whatever came my way when I came back… but that didn’t happen… in fact, I didn’t think about anything while I was away.  My days were spent on three different beaches, taking a morning hike along the mountain landscape, and feeling the cool breeze while relaxing in an outdoor hot tub.  I got sucked into that Cali vibe all the way! I didn’t have a set plan or anything…I was flexible… I was calm…I was at peace… I was on some type of high that lasted the entire the trip. I thanked God under my breath at every minute …I thanked Him for the beach, the deep sleep, the food, the funds to get away… Everything!!!  I was okay when I was away.  The interviews, the applications, the emails that I needed to send… the emails and calls I was trying to avoid were all a distant memory.

On the last full day of the trip, I went to my friend’s church, EastLake.  The church reminded me of the church I go here in Houston, Hope City.  It had that same laid-back vibe and ambiance. The service opened up with praise and worship and the groups of singers were young and sang songs that I hear of KSBJ… “Ever Be” was one of them… I love that song.  The familiarity of it all brought on more peace within me.  As I sang the best I could… I’m not the best singer.  I think I’m an Alto but can’t always hit those low notes… I dip into soprano at times… or whatever… I had stopped singing when one of the singers took over one of the songs.  I can’t recall the name of the song but it was a beautiful song partly due to the fact the singer had an amazing voice… along the lines of Fiona Apple and Adele…deep, raspy, and soulful and yes, she was white.  Anyways, not only did her voice get my attention but her shirt got my attention.  It read, in gold letters: “Light and Salt.” The scripture came to my mind… I loosely remembered the verse… you are the salt of the earth, the light to the world…  let your light shine… I held on to that message.

The next day I went back to work, teaching art, and somehow held on to my Cali state of mind. Throughout the day nothing bothered me.  I hadn’t heard from that school I really wanted but did get an email from another school for an interview.  I was cool with it.  I was so chill that day,  even when I got my favorite Mexican shirt dirty, I didn’t react I simply washed it out with soap and water at the classroom sink, taking my time while  a group of students waited for me to be done.  I didn’t care…I got through the day and had decided to head home after work to rest for a bit and then headed to the gym to take a class…. I was fine… Feeling good…

Well, sad to say that “feeling good” thing didn’t last long… the next day, the day of that other interview something hit…. this something hit after the interview, Thank God… it was the realization that I had no idea what was happening.  Right now every day seems like a surprise… which can be cool … but my controlling side is not too keen with that.  Every day I am doing what I can and waiting on God to His thing.  I try something and then ask for His direction… I go with what LITTLE details He gives me.  My dreams give me little vignettes, clues of what is ahead…and  I keep seeing the numbers: 11, 22, 33, 44…333…4444…777…. lots of 7s and 4s.  I googled this phenomenon and it all points to being on the right track and God, Jesus, and the angels support and are providing guidance.  Well, the numbers do give me that extra encouragement but this uncertainty has got me…well it’s got me calling on God more often… I feel like my last entry was about this.  A daily call for assistance… daily bread…

A close friend of mind told me that I am officially a month old of 33 years old… my resurrection year… a call to His will as come to the forefront … and I’m a little nervous but excited at the same time…kind of.

 

Our Father, Who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

 

 

 

Now more than ever I feel like God wants me to step out.  No longer in the background, as if to say, “All that was needed to be taught, healed has been done and you are now ready to be fully in the world.”  Of course, I will always be a work in progress but the realization of who I am as come into view.  I spent a huge part of my life running away, or rather taking control of what I thought I was, but now I’m in full surrender.  I’m so in full surrender that I am actually applying to be a certified teacher.  I feel like God is pushing me to do this.  He gave me a short gig to give me a glimpse of what he has called me to do… in this moment, at least.  Around this time last year I had applied to be a dance teacher and while in the interview I was not fully committed.  I was not fully in it.  Although I got pretty far into the interview, second round, I did not get the job because it was obvious that I was not committed to making this a career.  I knew it was a part of me but it was not all of me…yet when it was all over I missed those moments of creating dance lessons, putting together a performance, watching the children perform…I missed it all.  I knew having these feelings were a clue into what God had called me to do.

Throughout this month I have been praying really hard to just get a new job! I apply for jobs every day… praying something will come through.  I have been asking God to take over and open up an opportunity that will give me clarity… opportunities that will add on to the foundation that has been planted within me.  I’ve mainly applied to Theater/ Dance positions… I started applying in May and now, at the end of June I’m starting to hear from a few schools… all for theater jobs.  I just came back from one interview. I talked to the principal and she showed the classroom and stage… and I left feeling … well, it was nice to get interview mode… ease some nervousness for the upcoming interviews I have scheduled.

Now, working in a school can be… well, somewhat stifling for “the freed artist” but maybe this new position will open up something within me… I’m simply trusting in this guidance.  I guess there is a certified teacher in me that I need to let flourish… certification would be nice to add to my expertise… although a resume filled with degrees.. certifications means nothing in God’s eyes… He has the power to open doors that a fancy resume couldn’t!  Who know’s maybe God will open up a door that I have not even applied for… until then I’m in teacher interview mode… putting my best foot forward.

But yeah, aside from the interviewing I have spent a quite a bit of time writing a new play… somewhat autobiographical… don’t want to give too many details but along the lines of generation curses… and I’m trying to go big with this one…. musical theater like… Broadway?!  Watching the Tony’s got me a little inspired 🙂

 

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4 NIV

 

 

The school year is officially over and summer is here.  I have some opportunities teaching dance to keep me occupied throughout the summer and have scheduled a trip to the west coast for some rest and relaxation at the beach.  Although the summer has just started I already feel like it’s going to go by so fast… yet, I am hoping it slows down a bit so I can figure out what’s next in my life.  These past few months I have definitely felt a shift within me that’s yearning for a change. I had this same feeling a few months before I moved back home from New York… everything appeared to be the same but my inner being seemed to be moving elsewhere, not wanting to stay where I was.  I have this same feeling now.  This shift to make a change was confirmed in a dream I had about a week or so ago… I was in different locations, almost a step by step of my past to the present and then the future…the end result was… well, it was not where I am at in this present moment.  I knew the place, the location, but how to get there wasn’t quite clear … I was only shown where to go.

So after I had the dream I came across this documentary HOLY GHOST.  The film was pretty much curated by the holy spirit.  The director had no script, storyboard, no plans really on how to go about the film… he was simply in full surrender to wherever the Holy Spirit led him to.  The crew ended up traveling across the world, to a Muslim mosque in Morocco, Mormon territory in Salt Lake City, Utah, and Hindu shrines in India speaking of and praising Jesus Christ through song without any violence erupting… they were accepted, protected the entire trek.  Their tactics were quite different to what is usually seen on street corners, people holding signs speaking harshly into a microphone about damnation, and the urgency to repent…instead they walked the streets peacefully, being led to certain individuals in a gentle manner offering healing to any ailments they may have had. All the individuals they approached were open to receiving healing… and the crew of pastors/ believers simply laid their hands on them and prayed boldly in Jesus’ name…truly believing… the holy spirit was working through them… They were truly using His power. Also, aside from that, what kept them on course were promptings/ visions of landmarks that they were to visit… and somehow the very people they helped led them to these very landmarks.   They simply allowed the spirit to lead them without questioning or even figuring out on their own on how to get these landmarks… they truly put their trust in God.

The film made me think of moments in the past in which I was led by The Holy Spirt.  I had received a vision,a dream… I mean there was even a time I was lost in New York and heard a gentle voice lead me to which subway car to get on, and which exit stairway to walk out of and then I was led to a friend that actually needed some encouragement en route to where I needed to go.  I have had other experiences like that but at this moment, I do feel like the Holy Spirit is far from me… or maybe my old way of being in control is getting in the way to allowing to be led.  The dream excited me a bit, but really pushed me to know how and when this will all going to come about…anxious… impatient, really.  I want it all to transpire fairly soon but it’s only causing frustration from within.  As this month is ending, I am telling myself to trust and truly believe that the Holy Ghost will lead me… I don’t need to worry or make plans on how to have what He has shown me… I have done that before and it did not end so well…the Lord will lead me to the right people/ places to bring about my destiny.  Simply trust and believe….. my mantra 🙂

The pic above is me in my new car… definitely an intercession of the Holy Spirit… confirmation that The Holy Spirit will come through and is listening.  In my old car I kept saying “I just want a reliable car”  and “a SUV would be nice!”  Now, in my own thinking I would’ve had to wait and save money but God made it happen way quicker…. okay, I got it… simply trust and believe… it’s coming sooner than you know it!

 

Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Why did she say, ‘Can an old woman like me have a baby?’  Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

Geneis 18:13-14 (NLT)

 

 

 

 

April is proving to be the month to re-focus. This month has called me to really look within and realize who I am… again. During the first months of this year, I felt like I was doing a lot purging of the old… clearing out what was holding me back, in a sense. This revelation came pretty clear when I had a major accident near the end of March… right before I finished my March entry in which I was anticipating the new. Thank God… yes, it was all Him… I was left with no broken bones, just some tenderness here and there … but after a few days of rest, long walks around the neighborhood and a free AMAZING massage I was up to par and ready to accept The New fully.

I remember how it all happened…It was a normal day. I went to work, gym after and then stopped by HEB to pick up a few things… a dozen eggs and green beans (part of the meal plan) and then I was on my way home.  So, before you go into the subdivision there is a long two-way street that leads into it….It was a rainy day, so I was going close to 30 miles per hour on this road.  As I was just a few lights away from home, a car in the opposite lane decides to do a last minute turn towards the cross street right in front of me. I hit the brakes but the streets were slick and I couldn’t make a complete stop, so I swerved towards the opposite lane to avoid a head-on collision with the car that turned in front of me….I ended up hitting a car in the opposite lane. I hit their left light, no major damage. Yet, my car was totaled. A father and his son were in the vehicle I hit.  The three of us walked out of our cars  just fine….a bit confused, but no major injuries. I explained to them what happened… even asked if they saw the car that turned in front of me, but the father could not recall, just still in shock on what just happened. After I saw that they were okay,  I called 911.  While I was on the phone answering the necessary questions I noticed the dad touching his head and could hear the little boy saying that his chest was hurting.  I hated that I had some fault in their pain…guilt ran all through me…these feelings stayed with me as I was talking to the person on the opposite end.  As I hung up the phone and looked at the scene I had caused, I followed the protocol by answering the necessary questions to more authorities that came on to the scene within minutes….I still was concerned about them….looking back at every chance that I could…. but then somehow as I was surrounded by policemen, EMS workers, Tow drivers… the little boy swooped up right beside me with a huge smile and showed me his toy… I looked down and cracked a slight smile…. calm within the storm.

After all the surreal-ness of the situation dissipated, I realized my chest was hurting like crazy, I could barely move my right hip, and my knees were throbbing with pain. Traffic, police cars, ambulances, flashing lights… and all the while I remember holding my bible for some reason. I didn’t know how I got it but my sister had noticed that I had it in tow. I guess it was confirmation that this was All God.  My dad and sister came on the scene and they were able to take me to an urgent care facility… avoiding the HUGE fee from an ambulance. Through it all, I stayed pretty calm… to my surprise. I didn’t cry, I wasn’t yelling…. I was cool as a cucumber… is that the saying? Anyways, I guess somehow I knew this was all going to work out. While I was in the backseat, I saw my car being dragged off by a tow truck … and I had this feeling, this knowing, that this was the end of the old. I got that car when I first moved back to Houston. I experienced a lot of soul-searching in that car. I was lost, confused, heartbroken, full of doubt, even depressed…a bit toxic and negative, but somehow it brought me closer to Him…it brought me closer to where He wanted to be, and what He wanted me to be.

My new car isn’t exactly New New… but it is a nice upgrade in make, model, year and size!  I few scratches here and there but I think the scratches actually are good for me….keeps me grounded.

Since the accident, promptings to re-focus and fully surrender to His plan have taken precedence in my life. I still have some small slip ups (negative thinking) but they seem to be only temporary… realizing that there is something bigger than myself at work.

I have also realized that I personally can’t help everyone that comes along my path… personal interactions to heal need to be… well, there’s only so much I can do. I am learning that my life doesn’t call me to give up on my own personal well-being to help someone but the very gifts that God has blessed me with can initiate transformation within others…a step towards Him.  I am learning to give myself time frames … not necessarily avoiding personal interactions with people, but not investing long periods of time in trying to help them…especially when I am still broken myself. I am learning to find balance from within in order to reach more through my gifts… gifts, that I am still honing and cultivating… Gifts that are still being revealed within me.

 

Now I’m sure of this: the sufferings we endure now are not even worth comparing to the glory that is coming and will be revealed in us.  For all of creation is waiting, yearning for the time when the children of God will be revealed.

Romans 8:18-19

 

Oh, and on the day I returned back to school while doing my morning duty in the cafeteria, a kindergartner came up to me and gave me this sticker 

Confirmation that the old has passed away.

 

I decided to put a pic of my new cousin to commemorate newness…the theme of the entry.  The beginning of this year has been a push to remove all that is old, long overdue in my life.  I needed to let go of past hurts… old habits… and past roles that I thought I needed to be.  The meal plan helped with this process.  I was shedding away pounds as I was shedding away dead weight spiritually that needed to be cleared out.   The process was hard… spent quite a few times in prayer in tears but knew this was the only way to make room for more clarity, wisdom and simply… “THAT NEW NEW.”

In fact, I even listened to Hope City’s podcast on Detox throughout the month of March… and even took a break from Facebook and whatever else that could attract more clutter.  I wanted to break away from old routines of trying to help everyone that crossed my path… going to the extremes of letting my joy fall to the wayside as I helped them… I am learning now about boundaries… to love from a distance… to be consistent in prayer and allow God to work on those that I can not fully help.  I realized that was my MO for most of my life… constantly running with people that had good hearts but had a lot negativity around them.  I aware that this was happening, but my overwhelming desire to be there for them, to comfort the, seemed to take over my own sense of joy, peace, and overall balance in my life.  I worried about them… I prayed for them more than I prayed for myself…these people were my friends, so I would even put my own happiness on hold to ensure that their happiness was intact.  I was giving them all of my energy, good energy, alleviating some weight off them but then taking on their weight.  This came clear to me this month….near the end of March right before Easter.  It was the revelation of revelations.

My dreams have even started to make sense… I have these new dreams… but then dreams I had a long time ago are starting to make sense.  I am starting to recall.. or maybe God is calling me to recall…. what He showed me years ago…as if to show me that they are starting to bloom soon.  Like years back… I had a dream that I was walking on a college campus and there was so much darkness,  it was a cloudy day and people were just angry… then out of nowhere, I lift my hands up and rays of light comes out of them.. this strong light takes up all of my energy and strength….then all of a sudden I fall into someone’s arms… JESUS…with eyes closed, breathing heavily…then slowly I opened my eyes, which were full of tears and saw a beautiful sunny day.. people smiling and getting along.  I had shared this dream before in one of my blog entries, but now I have more clarity… working with young people may be my calling.  Also, awhile back I had a dream that I was watching this stage transform.  First, it was a small stage with homemade stage scenery for a play… then the small stage got bigger and bigger, transforming into a much more extravagant stage with high-ceiling, bright scenery… and somehow I knew I was directing a play on this HUGE stage.   When I had the dream I didn’t quite understand it.  It all started to come together when I had a dream sometime last week… I was getting costumes lined up backstage.  I was also wearing a gold bikini top and shorts… which definitely symbolizes the bikini competition my sister and I are prepping for… so maybe all this preparation (the process) was molding me to work with children on the stage.  The dreams and the random theater projects that just came up out of the blue (God) were all for me to see that I could do this…even if I thought I was not quite qualified to take this on.

Even writing for the stage has been placed in my heart.  I wrote a play when I first moved back to Houston.. and this past week started to write another…. not sure what it’s about but the theme lies in identity.

This newfound calling has always been present in my life now that I think about it.  Writers and plays… I mean in all the plays I have acted in the writer of the play has always been present in the rehearsal process… which is pretty rare.  The writer was present to direct and produce the entire project.  I witnessed the whole role of creating and then producing your own work….all to show me that I had the potential to do the very same thing.  Even in New York, I met a writer that I kept “bumping” into that was getting his Masters at Juilliard.  The random interactions led him to invite me to see one of his plays at Juilliard and then his other play at the Lincoln Center…. he now writes for TV shows.  He was maybe a glimpse of what I had the potential of doing one day.  I even got to meet Ishmael Reed by performing in one of his plays in New York…another successful playwright.  AND, my roommate in New York was a playwright…hmmm.

In middle school, my dad signed me up for a creative writing class, which I had no interest in taking, but left it on schedule anyways, and I ended up enjoying the class.  It was then that I realized that writing brought peace within me…my therapy.  Another sign is this blog.  This was not at all my idea…my friend’s boyfriend, who is now my friend, decided to build this blog for me.  Not sure if he thought I had this interesting life but something, or rather The Holy Spirit,  thought this may be a way for me to realize my calling.  I am actually connecting all these dots as I am writing this right now.  Oh, and just last year, a friend of mine, who happens to be good friends with the Locke family, invited me to attend a reading of Attica’s Locke’s new book… who happens to be one of the writers of Empire.  I’m not a fan of the series but I respect that a writer from Houston made it to Hollywood with a successful tv series… hmmm…

AND… since I’ve been back home all the guys I’ve dated have been… what?  WRITERS!!!

AND Funny, with all this revelation… I realized that I turn 33 this year.  Resurrection Year!!!

Well, I guess the detox cleared out all that junk that distracted me from my calling… it’s time to get to work!!!

 

 Imagine there’s a wedding going on. Is that the time to tell the guests to ignore the bridegroom and fast?  Sure, there’s a time for fasting—when the bridegroom has been taken away. Look, nobody tears up a new garment to make a patch for an old garment. If he did, the new patch would shrink and rip the old, and the old garment would be worse off than before. And nobody takes freshly squeezed juice and puts it into old, stiff wineskins. If he did, the fresh wine would make the old skins burst open, and both the wine and the wineskins would be ruined.  New demands new—new wine for new wineskins.

Luke 5:34-38 (The Voice)