A Blessing and a Curse

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I am starting to realize a pattern… when something good is coming, the enemy will try to attack… in my case I get theses weird dreams.  Dreams that bring back people from the past that may have caused me hurt… fictional scenarios that try to scare me or get me weirded out.  In the past, I would wake up terrified… not wanting to go back to sleep…and I would not let the dream go… I would think about it throughout the day… causing fear to fill every nook of my mind.  I worried a lot because of the dreams I had and wondered why this was happening to me… I did everything right.  I went to school, got good grades, didn’t get in trouble with the law… I went to church (because I am a sinner)… I worked with children… I even got baptized again…why was I being attacked like this…

On the outside, I have a pretty good life.  I don’t have any traumatic stories that have left emotional scars… both of my parents are married.. I have an amazing family..two older brothers and a little sister… we encourage each other… even my parents encouraged my love for the Arts….My dad created my middle school schedule in which he added creative writing and journalism and my mom always rushed me and my sister to Broadway and dance shows…. along with dance lessons up until high school.  So all is well in my life… yet the spiritual realm took some time to settle down.  I have always had these dreams.. premonitions as long as I can remember.  Dreams not just about myself but about other people… mainly as a guide to help them along their way.  I have beautiful dreams in which seem surreal… an oasis… light… golden hues, huge, calming waves, big gold coins…. a white beach (this was actually in a recent dream I had.)  So with these amazing dreams pops in these dreams that just don’t belong.  I’ll take a nap… BOOM… a messed up dream! Now, in the past I would call a close friend or wake up and watch TV… but lately I have been so bold to stay in the dream and see where it goes… I am curious to see how far the enemy will try to drum up fear.  While in the dream I start to pinpoint lies… and even shake my head (smh) “Really?”  When I do chose to wake up, I pray and rebuke everything that came at me in that dream …. as to say, “Bring It.”

I am quite positive that my single-hood is causing me to face these attacks on my own… not clinging to someone to ease my fear but actually calling on God and no one else. Prayers in which I am speaking out loud and demanding God to come through and even confronting the enemy to leave… knowing he has no power in my life.  These strong prayers have constructed a firm spiritual foundation in Him.  Believe me I had never known about this… good vs. bad.  I have always believed in angels but demons lurking the Earth seemed a bit farfetched… but when I actually felt the heaviness at one point in my life I knew it was real.  The darkness seemed to follow me… people would open up to me and speak of their own worries, fears… the whole victim mentality became a constant theme to my ears.  I would be open to listening… I had no boundaries… I wanted to help but I soon realized that I had to deal with my own darkness before true light could penetrate through to heal.

This darkness I once had clouded His vision for my life.  I was left confused and anxious and not sure where this came from.  I came home to figure this all out.  I came home physically and spiritually.  This darkness was a generation curse that breathed upon me and it was never healed.  In coming home it was as if I was called to bring it to an end.  My dreams and visions led me to move back home, be with my family, and to pray fervently…to resurface and to clean up… a spiritual detox needed to take place.  In this process, clarity on its origin and signs of it coming undone have been revealed…along with shaping my character to receive the blessings graciously He has stored up for me when the work/ process is complete… when all is healed, so nothing will be damaged or undone.  All in His perfect form…all in His perfect timing.

Though I walk in the midst of dangers,
    you guard my life when my enemies rage.
You stretch out your hand;
    your right hand saves me.
 The Lord is with me to the end.
    Lord, your mercy endures forever.
    Never forsake the work of your hands!

Psalm 138:7-8

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Engagements and Weddings and Babies, Oh My…

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Mom and Momie, 1977

Happy 38th Anniversary Mom and Dad!

I’m not sure when wedding season is but I have been saturated with engagement announcements, wedding dates to save, and on top of that babies are popping up like daisies!  Every year it seems like the numbers double of wedding and baby showers… and the infamous pic of the girl holding up the sparkling engagement ring near her face seems to increase in the Facebook news feed each year.  I have yet to share any news like this in my own life… even with another 2 years added to my thirty years of age. I am still single with no baby on the way…but I am nowhere near acting out like Bridget Jones, depressed, needing a man to end my woes… of course, this outlook took some time to grasp.

When I did have someone that I thought was potential… my life was consumed with fantasizing about being his wife and the mother of his children.  My thoughts, and every outing involved him….I didn’t make time for me…I didn’t know what to do without him… I didn’t know who I was without him.  I had dreams of being in the entertainment industry but they all seemed unclear when I was attached.  I was focused on his successes instead of my own.  I was concerned with his well-being but made no real strides in my own emotional state…or any other area in my life.  The women’s instinct to nurture took over heavily and it needed to stop! Of course God knew that too and created multiple opportunities to wake me up… even it meant I was left hurt.

In letting go and letting God, I found I was drawn to opportunities that were more me… as me… not as a wife or a mother but as Me and only Me.  The bitterness, jealousy I once had for those that were becoming wives and mothers started to go away… I gained clarity in allowing Him to show me that I was made not only to be a wife and a mother but more… and in spending time with Him I started to embrace every opportunity that came my way as a way to mold and refine the very person I was created to be.  A person that can create change… a person that can help build His kingdom…A person that can minister to those that are lost…To fully work alongside and in Him in this refinement phase. This phase is testing me mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually….healing past hurts, dealing with uncertainty, being patient, maintaining inner peace, releasing fears, going beyond my limits, and controlling my temper when frustration arises.  I am learning that certain weaknesses are being strengthen on multiple levels during this time on my own.

I have to admit though, I thank God I am still single because with all this healing I am starting to realize my happiness does not rely on something outside of myself.  I think if I became a wife or a mother before I realized my own happiness I would have walked out on my own family…Or I would have gone through a deep depression that would have caused a cycle of hurt within my own children… a generational curse.  Single-hood has pushed me to heal areas that were hidden within me…. who knew about this little girl that wanted to be seen and dance… or wanted to write… The healing needed to take precedence before roles could be realized…before platforms could be created.  I have to be single to heal… I have to hidden in Him to heal.

Now, the desire to be a wife and a mother are still there.. yet, I am willing to trust Him on that right now.  When my future husband and I ready mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually God will make it happen.

I adjure you, Daughters of Jerusalem,
    by the gazelles and the does of the field,
Do not awaken, or stir up love
    until it is ready.

Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4

 

“Haven’t you read,” He replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

Matthew 19:4-6

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dancer

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So, I am not too sure what’s happening but lately I have been bombarded with Dance. The small dance gigs that have popped up have been fun…and the board member gig for the dance company is cool… don’t know if this is too premature but I am starting to sense a revelation… now I am being asked to sub in the upcoming school year for the dance teacher for about two months.  I actually interviewed for this position last year but did not get it, yet somehow this year it fell onto my lap.  Okay, so then we move on to my present position….I am currently teaching “Creative Movement” at my childhood school for the summer.  I have no idea where the name came from because I thought they were leaning towards teaching theater but then I get the newsletter and it reads: “Creative Movement with Ms. Megan.”  I guess I should not be too shocked that this is all creeping up in my life again when I spent most of my life .. well, more like my childhood…dancing.  I would  wake up… no, the night before I would pack my dance clothes into my dance bag, go to sleep, wake up, school, do homework, then head to dance class.  It was like second nature.  It was huge part… no, it was my life.  In time, I got away from it, I would take a class here or there but I was not always consistent.  In college I was a theater major and we had to take a dance class… I didn’t take the dance class, (or any dance classes outside of school) until my last year of college… I took a tap class.  At the time, I was driven to create film.  I spent a lot of time in the editing room and when I did have the inkling to move my body, which was everyday, the gym was my consolation.  To continue my love for film, I majored in Media Studies in grad school and once again put dance on the shelf.   I remember taking an African dance class once or twice but was never consistent.  I spent a lot time at the gym to nurture that need to move.  Yet, dance was always in the back of my mind… conjuring choreography while I ran on the treadmill… and I did grab a chance to see some dance shows while in New York … I think maybe one or two, really… one was a free event in which a children’s dance company was performing at the South Street Seaport …. I remember while I was watching them tears fell from my eyes… And then the other show, I bought one ticket to the Joyce Theater… I don’t remember the name of the dance company but once again tears fell from my eyes.

Now, I have been moved to tears before because something was moving and beautiful but in these two occasions the tears stemmed from something deeper … I was missing something.  When I was younger I never saw myself as a dancer.  I would never wear the t-shirt/ shorts that had dancer written on them because I really didn’t see myself as a dancer.  I was a dancer but to call myself a dancer and to have people know… I just didn’t think I had the talent to secure that title.  Yet, somehow God has brought me back, as to say, “this is where you belong.”  It’s crazy but I feel so inadequate teaching the children…though somehow they look at me with such eagerness, smiling, wanting to be near me… as if I am some principal dancer for Alvin Ailey.  But I only ask, “Why have you brought me back here, God?”

The only answer that I have received: To share.  Share what you are passionate about.  Share what moves you to tears.  Share what gives you joy.  Share what gives you peace.

This is part of me has become my purpose.

I also think God wants me to reclaim my confidence.  The main reason I didn’t see myself as a dancer…even though I spent hours and hours during the week in the dance studio…because I did not have the confidence. When I first started I had so much…tenacity!  All my moves were sharp, executed the precise steps, I was on point and stood out… but then as I got older, more people joined the company, more talented people… my performance level did not change but somehow my need to be seen got dimmer and dimmer each year.  I don’t know what happened.. but I got intimated by the other dancers….I didn’t push hard to get to that next level… I didn’t practice much on my own to get stronger…. kick higher.. I had lost that drive to “dig deep.” (Shaun T)

This second time around may prove to be a test…Will I let myself be seen?

Time spent in the gym in doing drills, circuit training, endurance building have cultivated my mind and body to push harder… to not give up… to keep at it.  I honestly feel like I can handle any workout because my mind and body are a lot stronger than they were a long time ago.  Even when it burns I keep going… I look at the person next to me as my competitor… I can do it faster, better than he can… yep I said HE!

Timing.  If only I could have been like this when I was younger…. This whole process of moving into the new has brought on a healing to that little dancer within me.  The one that shied away from the spotlight… the one that only smiled… the one that did not have the courage to be seen.

I only thank God for giving me this time on my own to heal that wounded child.  To truly love every part of myself so I can encourage others to embrace their dancer from within.

 

You turned my wailing into DANCING;
    you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
    Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 30:11-12

 

 

 

 

Power

McQueen

No man should have all that power… sounds like a line you would say to a young girl in the trance of pleasing a man… or you may just be singing Kanye West’s Power.  I was actually given this same advice at one point in my life.  Yes, it was because of a boy… which really surprised me because before this happened I always thought I was too strong to let some dude break me down.  I was not, (am not) that pathetic girl that needs a guy in order to be happy.  I didn’t (don’t) need a guy’s approval…and I was (am) good on my own…or so I thought… when I think about it now I still can’t believe I allowed it to happen.  It was like it came out of nowhere and there I was lying in bed… not wanting to be anywhere.  I couldn’t even eat… my little sister even looked at me confused… “Over some boy?”

I, of course am able to talk about this now because I am somewhat healed from it and came to realize the bigger picture at work.  I came to realize that the situation caused me to be vulnerable.  Not more vulnerable but simply vulnerable.  I have always played the poker face… smiling and never really showing my scars to anybody.  I was fine with hearing your problems but no need to hear mine… but the broken relationship led me to be more transparent… able to connect with others.  I am not sure how this block within me to not  fully connect with others came from.  Maybe it’s a generation thing… in which you keep it together in front of people and when you are all alone break down in tears and let Jesus hear about it.  I had the poker face thing going on but not the other part…   I never let Jesus know …and certainly didn’t cry about it to Him…I kept it together with my memorized prayers and sign of the cross… but it was the complete opposite of what He wanted.  He wanted me to let it all out… He wanted me to be totally honest with him… and the only way that I could accomplish this was to create a situation that brought me to my knees, in tears, in His presence.

So this whole idea of power was revisited when I witnessed a co-worker, now friend, transform in the three years we worked together.  I remember when I first started working at the school I thought she was the principal.  She had this presence about her.  She walked around with such confidence and joy… and on top of that she was funny, a true comedienne.  She made every interaction lively, which was easy for her because she had this booming voice that did not know how to whisper! On top of that, she treated everyone the same…no matter what position you may have held, she treated you as an equal.  She was simply beautiful.  Yet, I noticed with every year I was there, her light got dimmer and dimmer… all do to a higher authority in the school.  Everyday seemed like a struggle for her.  She resorted to putting on face, starting with a clean slate everyday with the person that only mistreated her.  She always upheld her professionalism and voiced her concern in the most diplomatic way… but had moments in private in which she broke down in tears…She was truly hurting.

This school year, we started taking walks around the neighborhood before school started.  I had always taken walks on my own… my way of setting the tone for the day and she would join me every now and then when she got to school early enough…which seemed to be pretty consistent in the last few months or so.  These walks gave her clarity.  She was able to release all that she was feeling in a very constructive way… exercise.  I mostly listened and didn’t say too much because this was something she had to overcome.  I was there for support, encouraged her to be open to whatever opportunity came her way, but never told her what do because, to be honest, I had no idea what she needed do!  So, in these walks, she had admitted numerous times her spirit was broken, but then she would always say, “Jesus come see about me.” Then she was confused on how to go about her day but then mention the message from Sunday service.  She even admitted she was not happy at the school, but then we would walk to the grocery store so she could buy one her students a birthday treat.  It all seemed a bit contradictory but it was quite evident that there was still something inside of her sustaining her faith.  And in time,  job opportunities started to spring up…I must add without her doing… that led to her attaining a position elsewhere.

In both situations, there seemed to be an oppressing power from someone heavily in our lives.  This “man power” brought us both to tears, took our joy, stripped our strength… seemingly left us defeated… yet, the man power did something unintentionally… it activated HIS power within us.

and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on—I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me.  I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Ode to Struggle

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I was in the hot room… sauna with a friend of mine.  A daily ritual of taking a class at the gym, then heading to the sauna to chat with the girls.  One on one, or a small group… topics ranging from light and comical to heavy and serious, which are ususally ended with a dose of clarity and resolution.  I had always avoided this ritual of sharing a piece of me after class but lately.. for awhile now, it has become a platform in so many ways.  I am able to connect with others… the goal to transform my body then leads to a calling to connect.  The gym has become my ministry.  The women that have come along my path range from educators, businesswomen, mothers, wives… This is our time to release everything… the day… our woes…or frustrations…our whatever.  To laugh…to encourage, to soothe.

Recently, I had a conversation in which a gym friend of mine was ready to make a move outside of Texas to the same place I have my sights on.  She admitted to me that she admired my strength, my positivity in making the jump, after witnessing my “stand firm” approach in earlier conversation with someone that only discouraged my move… who, too happened to be a friend of mine.  Yet, the stand firm approach had all to do with my faith and His leading.  This was not the plan I set for me… this was the plan He set out for me… I have been confirmed over and over about it so how could I not stand firm and not allow the naysayers get the best of me.  It has already been done.  Then, the sauna conversation lead to the topic of struggle.  This friend relayed to me that she wanted to make the move but did not want to struggle…hmmmm…

The struggle is real…. and may be good for you.  I will admit I am technically in the struggle right now but I accept and love it…NOW! In the struggle I finding out who I am.  In the struggle I am weeding out those things that don’t belong and don’t promote growth.  In the struggle I am realizing hidden talents and skills… in the struggle I am loving myself more than I did when I had money.  When all was well, not really struggling… I used my time caught up in empty pursuits: shopping, being in the scene… I was not my authentic self.  The nothingness I am experiencing is helping me to remember that something that deep inside me…His plan.

The struggle takes me out of myself and helps me to see others more clearly… the struggle pulls me to help in other ways other than monetarily… the struggle brings me to a real place.

For a long time I hated the struggle… lack of funds, lack of a secure position in a career… I did not understand why things were so “in-between”…”I’m in transition,” is what I usually say when people ask… because I truly am.  The struggle is a transitional period… a process.  In this transition, a transformation is taking place. Perspectives are being changed and destinies are being realized.  Count it all joy (James 1:2)… I get it now.  I remember at the beginning of the struggle… the first year I moved back home, a close friend told me, “Don’t think of it as a struggle but think of it more as preparation.”  At the time I was so caught up in whatever I was caught up in…. I just wanted (and still want) the simple things: my own home, a career, and a family.  Yet, in the struggle I am gaining the knowledge and wisdom to uphold my destined career, to be a good mother/ wife and to manage my very own home.  The struggle is training me…..humbling me…and even bringing me joy.
Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line—mature, complete, and wanting nothing.  If you don’t have all the wisdom needed for this journey, then all you have to do is ask God for it; and God will grant all that you need. He gives lavishly and never scolds you for asking.

James 1:2-5

 

 

 

 

Forgiveness Test

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So, this past week I received confirmation on a dream a had… the sunset dream in which I was walking on water with Jesus and He then tells me, “This is where I leave.”  Well, in my own understanding I was thinking it meant this is my time to reflect, meditate,  which will always be a constant but I have come to realize that I am being tested…tested right before the breakthrough:

“Are you truly ready for what I am about to do?  Let me see,” said Jesus

Now, I was quite aware some tests that have already come along my way.  The temptation test, in which I am presented with something I had let go… will I go back to it? So far, I think I am staying on course.  The old habits, old places, and old activities don’t interest anymore.  Then, the patience test, which is a everyday trial in working with children with special needs… So much better at this…I internalize the desire to throw a calculator at the wall, breath in, then move on.  Also, my anxiety to have everything now: family, career, business has subsided… starting to realize that preparation and His timing is key.  So, I feel like I can handle those tests, but one test that is taking some effort is the one and only… maybe the hardest test of them all….The Forgiveness Test.

So, I had a conversation with my co-worker last week  about the cycle of hurt and the urgency to heal old wounds.   She’s studying psychology and I am always intrigued on what she’s learning.  This particular subject struck a cord with me because just the day before I prayed to God to help me to forgive a friend of mine.  We were really good friends. We had met each other when life seemed like a ball of confusion.  We were both lost but found peace in each other…we found love in a hopeless place (yes, me and Rihanna have that in common.)  I could be all of me… goofy, introspective…the authentic me.  (This was way before me being comfortable in my own skin with everyone.)  This friend made me laugh, and made me not think about my frustrations and worries.  I loved this friend..and still do.  Yet, in time, this friend, out of nowhere, hurt me.  I had never experienced this much hurt from anyone…no one in my own family has hurt me this much as this person did.  Although it has been a year or so since the damage has been done, I still hold onto the hurt.  Yes, I am able to move on and enjoy my life but when I think of this person it goes straight to his actions and how they impacted me.  I have resigned to only connect with this person via social media but to be face to face… I’m not sure if I am able to let go of all that he has put on me.  While talking to God, I asked him to show me what I had done to bring this on me.  I did an analysis of the whole situation, but I found no fault.  I did nothing but love this person… I gave, and gave but he only brought me down.

I had a dream recently that kind of put this issue in perspective.  This person was waiting for me…. and my mom was seated right next to him waiting for me also.  I had always had a decent relationship with my mother but it was strained in some parts throughout my life… and even now.  My teenage years was spent in being ungrateful and treating my mother with disrespect… and now that I am back home there are still moments that I seek rebellion.  I am almost positive God wants me to resolve our relationship and redeem the time that was lost.  She gave, and gave but I only brought her down… wow, am I getting a taste of my own medicine?

My mother is an amazing person.  She has been, and is a constant in my life.  She offers me support, encouragement and unconditional love,  even when my actions can cause her pain….I am sorry mom.

Make Amends.

Forgive.

In this time of waiting HE has made me aware of my hidden talents but also aware of hidden hurt… hurt that I have put on others and those that have hurt me.  Thank God I have never done or no one has ever done anything that has lead to a physical death, but to harbor unforgiveness and a desire not to resolve relationships can lead to my very spiritual death.  No matter how I try to cover it up with smiles and good deeds.  I know I am being asked…NO, I am being DEMANDED to forgive and make amends.

 

‘Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt.   So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.

Matthew 18:33-35

 

 

 

 

Little Girl

Megan Little Girl pic

During my spring break, I was prompted to retrieve this play I wrote two years ago.  I started writing it when I was in the middle of my “what am I going to do with my life?” phase.  I had no idea where I was going with this play…I just went with it.  I started the play off with a dream I had when I first moved back to Houston.  My grandmother, Mommie (emphasis on on the second m) was driving me somewhere.  She was younger, looked like my Aunt Priscilla, who is the oldest child on my mom’s side of the family.  She was slim, shoulder-length black hair…reminiscent of Lena Horne.  I was in the backseat, looking out the side window, I could feel her glancing at me in the rear-view mirror.  After a minute or two, she asked, “How are you?” I answered in a non-convincing “fine.” She then said to me, “You need to detach from everything that you have known before.”  Thus begins the tale.

Throughout the play the main character, Eden, retreats to a song that she can’t seem to let go:

Little girl I used to know you, Little girl you were so true, Little girl why do you leave me so alone and blue, Little girl, little girl I knew you, Little girl, little girl you knew me too, Where have you gone little girl, Where are you?

The song comes to her when she comes back home.

Well, of course the play stems from my own experience of coming home…physically and spiritually.  I had to reset, and begin again.  I read the play with new eyes.  I had forgotten what I had put in the play… the action, the scenes, characters…  It was all new to me… and I was bit taken back that while I was reading it some revelation came upon me.  The play reminded me to go back to that little girl I once was.  I had re-read the play when I was right in the middle of deciding to make plans with this entertainment company.  Every worry entered my mind: How was I going to get there?  Should I even go?  Is it going to work out?  among other doubts… I was lost…confused…and scared.  But then I kept reading… The play pushed me to go back to the little girl that has faith, confidence, enthusiasm, peace, security…the one God called me to be.  I had to rid my mind of all that life swung at me as I got older: selfish desires, confusion, struggle, hurt… I needed to go back to her.

In the play, Eden, battles with the flesh and the spirit.  The flesh being defined as all that is of the self: worry, doubt, selfish desires, confusion; and the spirit, all that is of God: peace, humility, patience, trust, hope, and love.  Throughout the play they are face to face quite a bit, The Old and The New Eden.  I guess I could have given them different names and allow the story to reveal the true essence of each character but I just wanted to to tell the story… I may give them all real names later, instead of: Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Someone New, Someone New 2, Brother Boy, and Boy.  The only character that has a name is Eden… hmmm maybe that’s symbolic of something…Thus brings up the central theme of the play…the claim for identity.  Eden starts to pick apart the self she once was and comes to understand  how others define her, especially those in her inner circle… family and close friends.  Eden hears the truth about herself from those closest to her and finds that she must yield to those truths and the truth within her.

Writing the play made me realize that I was not being honest with myself.  I longed to be approved by others, and I sought this approval from people nowhere near my inner circle.  I spent a lot of time running away from inner circle, the ones that truly knew me and my TRUE potential. I sought to be seen and acknowledged but ended up in the wrong environment… not my true destiny.  I needed to re-establish who I was…who I am.  I had to step away from the old, and submit to the new.   In the process I realized that there were people and places that needed my true presence… my true identity.  My true identity is my purpose… my true identity is my saving grace.

So, let me keep in mind Eden in this time of renewal.  Make me New, Lord.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying.  There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”

Revelation 21:4-5

 

 

 

 

Sunrise, Sunset

I had a dream that I was walking on the water with someone.  It was sunset and the water glistened with hues of oranges and pinks.  The waters were calm and the ambiance was peaceful.  The someone I was walking with seemed to be a guide.  We walked side by side, talking gently to one another.  I can’t recall the topic of discussion but it seemed as if we were walking for a short time, maybe 5 minutes and then the guide told me, “This is where I leave you.”  It seemed a bit abrupt but as I saw the guide walk away I did not ask why.  I simply sat down on a wooden, high stump that was beside me and looked out into the sunset.

I woke up that morning with the realization that something has ended in my life, a phase has to an end.  I was not at all upset with this ending, a natural order of things.  The dream ended with me sitting on a stump watching the sunset,  a time for reflection and contemplation.  Although, in the physical I am working towards attaining new positions by attending events, email corresponding and interviews, there needs to be a time to assess what is being done within me … what He is doing within me.  Take notice of His work… the serene, ever-flowing ocean and the lavender, violet sky.  A true artisan’s work.

It’s hard not to get enticed with the hustle when there is a “need” in some areas in my life. When I have a “need” I can be quite creative to find a way to take care of it.  I take on more responsibilities and find myself saying yes to anything and everything that has money attached to it.  That was my M.O. for most of my life, yet it only brought me worry.  When I do feel that nudge to do it my way I recall that old feeling of uneasiness and let it go.  I let go of the need to control.  The dream helped to me remember and to reflect on His goodness…how His way saved me.  His way gave me clarity and direction.  His way led to wisdom…and most importantly His way lead to peace.

I have been said to be a free spirit, going with my heart in all that I do, yet I still desire stability.  Stability calls one to take notice of their direction, purpose.  I will always move from my heart, but return to the foundation that sustains my heartfelt desires.  The dream called me to remember and take notice.  He is here.  He is speaking. I will listen and follow through:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

–Oceans by Hillsong United

 

Love.

Lent is here and although my Catholic happenings only extend to Christmas and Easter mass with my family, I still like to partake in the preparation seasons of  Advent and Lent.  My whole life was consumed with Catholic traditions so it’s kind of hard to walk completely away from it all together.  At times I feel like it’s calling me back… I guess it is part of my identity.  There were certain choices I made based on the fact that I was Catholic… am Catholic… I embrace this tug back to the religion only because there is better understanding of it all.  My break from the religion allowed me to experience the far bigger, deeper relationship with God that I could have without any restrains.  I let go of the idea that the only way I could connect to God was through an institution or a person.  I learned to speak from my heart, instead of reciting memorized prayers that had no meaning to me.  I also came to realize my spiritual gift of prophecy.  Others outside the catholic faith that had this gift appeared in my life and I was not scared of the visions, dreams anymore, (I mean there are some that wake me up at night.) I now understand it is His leading to pursue the light and bring others to the light.  My need to be perfect has disappeared.  I had spent the majority of my life so careful not to look bad.  I needed to be just right.  I had such high expectations of myself, not that I blame Cathoclism but that feeling of shame after Confession did not make it any better.  Now, I have not altogether joined a Catholic church or anything but I do feel like it’s happening.. maybe for the preparation for a family, a marriage… or simply a need for a foundation.

So, my aunt asked me why do we get ashes.  A test, I know, “a remembrance of Christ’s death.”  So I must remember that: I, me is not the focus.  There is an urgency to commit entirely to Him.  He has called me to do something that I was created to do.  I mustn’t compare, or be jealous of others’ successes when those “successes” were not made for me.  I must remember the calling that was I destined to serve.  I must listen to know what steps to take.  I must remember to stay at peace and be gentle in my words and in my actions.  I must remember to have humilty and pray earnestly to uphold humility.  To let go of any entitlement, self-righteous mindset because it blocks me from hearing you, Lord.  My greatest plea in this season: help me to love, Lord.  To love those that have hurt me directly and those I see hurting others. Help me to love and start anew, forgiving all transgressions… everyone is a clean slate.  “I still love you.”  Help me to love.

In my written correspondences with people I have noticed I can not end without “Love.” Love Period.  Maybe it’s a reminder to myself …or maybe it’s a deep love I feel for the person I communicating with.  I dunno.  I have decided to love maybe a year ago.  I am not sure how it came about but I started to have this overwhelming sense of love for others.  I think The Surrender has a lot to do with  it.  Believe me it was hard to write this word to certain people because I did not want to scare them away.  To even say the word seemed far-fetched.  The love word had only resided within my family, where it felt comfortable and did not cause uneasiness.  I did not have to explain.  To speak the word to others outside of my family was a little too much.  “U good?” became my love word.  U good was simple and pretty much the love word.  As to say, I am concerned about you because I love you= U good?   Yet, the process has brought on a need to speak, write the word.  As Stevie Wonder reminds is, ” Love is in need of love today.” A call to speak, write, and embrace love.

In this Lenten season, teach me how to love, God.

 Live and work without pride. Be gentle and kind. Do not be hard on others. Let love keep you from doing that.  Work hard to live together as one by the help of the Holy Spirit. Then there will be peace.

Ephesians 4:2-3

 

 

You So Crazy

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Saint Bernadette Soubirous (1844-1879)

Near the end of last year I had a bit of fear within me.  This fear stemmed from being led to do some crazy things.  I was led to travel with very little money and meet with professionals in the entertainment industry.  I was scared.  Is this going to work out?  Can I be on my own again?  When I arrived to the new city, it was as if angels guided my every step.  I was aquainted with helpful people and had this overwhelming peace within me.  I was okay.  I had a scheduled meeting at 11am but made it to the office around 9:30am, which proved to be good timing because I was able sign contracts, then head to hair and make-up for a photoshoot, and made it just in time to catch my flight back home to Houston.  The short trip seemed so surreal because everything was just right…I mean even the weather was perfect.  I didn’t even have to fill up the tank of the rental car I used, it stayed on full.  It was all so weird how it all worked out perfectly and I simply went by divine instruction… no questions asked.

I recently watched the movie The Song of Bernadette.  I am not sure why I chose to dvr the movie.. maybe I was led to do so.  I watched the film a week or so after the trip and I sensed that there was this push towards “crazy”.  St. Bernadette was not the best student at her catholic school and her family was very poor, so she was not the perfect candidate to be on any platform… until one day while she was gathering bushels as she always did, a vision of Mary appears to her in the grotto.   She kneels down to her presence and heeds to the request of coming to this same site for a number of days to recieve divine messages.  She has told only her family but then word spreads throughout the city that she has seen a vision of Mary.  Some think she is crazy, while others are drawn to go with her to the sacred grotto.  In time, she is questioned by city officials and even tested by doctors for insanity, yet the clergy stands behind Bernadette. She follows through with coming to the sacred spot for a number of days as the vision requested and each time she is accompanied by more and more people.  People start to believe.  However, on one occasion Mary tells Bernadette to drink from the spring and wash her face with the water.  She begins to look around but there was no spring for her to drink from. Mary then leads her to a certain spot and tells her dig.  Bernadette digs and muddy water appears.  She begins to drink and wash her face with the muddy water.  This was not a clear water spring… she was washing her face with dirt… she only did what the vision of Mary told her to do.  The huge crowd walked away, thinking she was crazy and her own mother carried her away.  Yet, later on that day water began to flow from the hole she dug and it eventually became a waterfall.  A waterfall with healing power.

After seeing the movie, I had decided to make St. Bernadette my patron saint.  I admire her strength to follow through.  She didn’t care what people thought of her, she only cared about what God thought of her.  Even when she was given the message to do something crazy, she had the faith that she would be well taken care of.   In fact, when she followed through with Mary’s request, her family was also well taken care of.   And in all the questioning and accusations, she held her ground and was then put on a platform to bring people back to Christ.  The movie definitely confirmed my recent actions.  It was crazy to travel like that, I mean I didn’t even want to tell my parents because it sounded so crazy to do this right now, but I had a knowing that God was with me on this.  I think I am called to do some crazy things right now and maybe it’s all part of the testing.  I know His life, what He can do, and have taken what was blocking me from Him, now I must utilize all that have learned thus far and go at it… even when it doesn’t make any sense.