Mom and Momie, 1977
Happy 38th Anniversary Mom and Dad!
I’m not sure when wedding season is but I have been saturated with engagement announcements, wedding dates to save, and on top of that babies are popping up like daisies! Every year it seems like the numbers double of wedding and baby showers… and the infamous pic of the girl holding up the sparkling engagement ring near her face seems to increase in the Facebook news feed each year. I have yet to share any news like this in my own life… even with another 2 years added to my thirty years of age. I am still single with no baby on the way…but I am nowhere near acting out like Bridget Jones, depressed, needing a man to end my woes… of course, this outlook took some time to grasp.
When I did have someone that I thought was potential… my life was consumed with fantasizing about being his wife and the mother of his children. My thoughts, and every outing involved him….I didn’t make time for me…I didn’t know what to do without him… I didn’t know who I was without him. I had dreams of being in the entertainment industry but they all seemed unclear when I was attached. I was focused on his successes instead of my own. I was concerned with his well-being but made no real strides in my own emotional state…or any other area in my life. The women’s instinct to nurture took over heavily and it needed to stop! Of course God knew that too and created multiple opportunities to wake me up… even it meant I was left hurt.
In letting go and letting God, I found I was drawn to opportunities that were more me… as me… not as a wife or a mother but as Me and only Me. The bitterness, jealousy I once had for those that were becoming wives and mothers started to go away… I gained clarity in allowing Him to show me that I was made not only to be a wife and a mother but more… and in spending time with Him I started to embrace every opportunity that came my way as a way to mold and refine the very person I was created to be. A person that can create change… a person that can help build His kingdom…A person that can minister to those that are lost…To fully work alongside and in Him in this refinement phase. This phase is testing me mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually….healing past hurts, dealing with uncertainty, being patient, maintaining inner peace, releasing fears, going beyond my limits, and controlling my temper when frustration arises. I am learning that certain weaknesses are being strengthen on multiple levels during this time on my own.
I have to admit though, I thank God I am still single because with all this healing I am starting to realize my happiness does not rely on something outside of myself. I think if I became a wife or a mother before I realized my own happiness I would have walked out on my own family…Or I would have gone through a deep depression that would have caused a cycle of hurt within my own children… a generational curse. Single-hood has pushed me to heal areas that were hidden within me…. who knew about this little girl that wanted to be seen and dance… or wanted to write… The healing needed to take precedence before roles could be realized…before platforms could be created. I have to be single to heal… I have to hidden in Him to heal.
Now, the desire to be a wife and a mother are still there.. yet, I am willing to trust Him on that right now. When my future husband and I ready mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually God will make it happen.
I adjure you, Daughters of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles and the does of the field,
Do not awaken, or stir up love
until it is ready.
Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4
“Haven’t you read,” He replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”