April is proving to be the month to re-focus. This month has called me to really look within and realize who I am… again. During the first months of this year, I felt like I was doing a lot purging of the old… clearing out what was holding me back, in a sense. This revelation came pretty clear when I had a major accident near the end of March… right before I finished my March entry in which I was anticipating the new. Thank God… yes, it was all Him… I was left with no broken bones, just some tenderness here and there … but after a few days of rest, long walks around the neighborhood and a free AMAZING massage I was up to par and ready to accept The New fully.
I remember how it all happened…It was a normal day. I went to work, gym after and then stopped by HEB to pick up a few things… a dozen eggs and green beans (part of the meal plan) and then I was on my way home. So, before you go into the subdivision there is a long two-way street that leads into it….It was a rainy day, so I was going close to 30 miles per hour on this road. As I was just a few lights away from home, a car in the opposite lane decides to do a last minute turn towards the cross street right in front of me. I hit the brakes but the streets were slick and I couldn’t make a complete stop, so I swerved towards the opposite lane to avoid a head-on collision with the car that turned in front of me….I ended up hitting a car in the opposite lane. I hit their left light, no major damage. Yet, my car was totaled. A father and his son were in the vehicle I hit. The three of us walked out of our cars just fine….a bit confused, but no major injuries. I explained to them what happened… even asked if they saw the car that turned in front of me, but the father could not recall, just still in shock on what just happened. After I saw that they were okay, I called 911. While I was on the phone answering the necessary questions I noticed the dad touching his head and could hear the little boy saying that his chest was hurting. I hated that I had some fault in their pain…guilt ran all through me…these feelings stayed with me as I was talking to the person on the opposite end. As I hung up the phone and looked at the scene I had caused, I followed the protocol by answering the necessary questions to more authorities that came on to the scene within minutes….I still was concerned about them….looking back at every chance that I could…. but then somehow as I was surrounded by policemen, EMS workers, Tow drivers… the little boy swooped up right beside me with a huge smile and showed me his toy… I looked down and cracked a slight smile…. calm within the storm.
After all the surreal-ness of the situation dissipated, I realized my chest was hurting like crazy, I could barely move my right hip, and my knees were throbbing with pain. Traffic, police cars, ambulances, flashing lights… and all the while I remember holding my bible for some reason. I didn’t know how I got it but my sister had noticed that I had it in tow. I guess it was confirmation that this was All God. My dad and sister came on the scene and they were able to take me to an urgent care facility… avoiding the HUGE fee from an ambulance. Through it all, I stayed pretty calm… to my surprise. I didn’t cry, I wasn’t yelling…. I was cool as a cucumber… is that the saying? Anyways, I guess somehow I knew this was all going to work out. While I was in the backseat, I saw my car being dragged off by a tow truck … and I had this feeling, this knowing, that this was the end of the old. I got that car when I first moved back to Houston. I experienced a lot of soul-searching in that car. I was lost, confused, heartbroken, full of doubt, even depressed…a bit toxic and negative, but somehow it brought me closer to Him…it brought me closer to where He wanted to be, and what He wanted me to be.
My new car isn’t exactly New New… but it is a nice upgrade in make, model, year and size! I few scratches here and there but I think the scratches actually are good for me….keeps me grounded.
Since the accident, promptings to re-focus and fully surrender to His plan have taken precedence in my life. I still have some small slip ups (negative thinking) but they seem to be only temporary… realizing that there is something bigger than myself at work.
I have also realized that I personally can’t help everyone that comes along my path… personal interactions to heal need to be… well, there’s only so much I can do. I am learning that my life doesn’t call me to give up on my own personal well-being to help someone but the very gifts that God has blessed me with can initiate transformation within others…a step towards Him. I am learning to give myself time frames … not necessarily avoiding personal interactions with people, but not investing long periods of time in trying to help them…especially when I am still broken myself. I am learning to find balance from within in order to reach more through my gifts… gifts, that I am still honing and cultivating… Gifts that are still being revealed within me.
Now I’m sure of this: the sufferings we endure now are not even worth comparing to the glory that is coming and will be revealed in us. For all of creation is waiting, yearning for the time when the children of God will be revealed.
Confirmation that the old has passed away.