No man should have all that power… sounds like a line you would say to a young girl in the trance of pleasing a man… or you may just be singing Kanye West’s Power.  I was actually given this same advice at one point in my life.  Yes, it was because of a boy… which really surprised me because before this happened I always thought I was too strong to let some dude break me down.  I was not, (am not) that pathetic girl that needs a guy in order to be happy.  I didn’t (don’t) need a guy’s approval…and I was (am) good on my own…or so I thought… when I think about it now I still can’t believe I allowed it to happen.  It was like it came out of nowhere and there I was lying in bed… not wanting to be anywhere.  I couldn’t even eat… my little sister even looked at me confused… “Over some boy?”

I, of course am able to talk about this now because I am somewhat healed from it and came to realize the bigger picture at work.  I came to realize that the situation caused me to be vulnerable.  Not more vulnerable but simply vulnerable.  I have always played the poker face… smiling and never really showing my scars to anybody.  I was fine with hearing your problems but no need to hear mine… but the broken relationship led me to be more transparent… able to connect with others.  I am not sure how this block within me to not  fully connect with others came from.  Maybe it’s a generation thing… in which you keep it together in front of people and when you are all alone break down in tears and let Jesus hear about it.  I had the poker face thing going on but not the other part…   I never let Jesus know …and certainly didn’t cry about it to Him…I kept it together with my memorized prayers and sign of the cross… but it was the complete opposite of what He wanted.  He wanted me to let it all out… He wanted me to be totally honest with him… and the only way that I could accomplish this was to create a situation that brought me to my knees, in tears, in His presence.

So this whole idea of power was revisited when I witnessed a co-worker, now friend, transform in the three years we worked together.  I remember when I first started working at the school I thought she was the principal.  She had this presence about her.  She walked around with such confidence and joy… and on top of that she was funny, a true comedienne.  She made every interaction lively, which was easy for her because she had this booming voice that did not know how to whisper! On top of that, she treated everyone the same…no matter what position you may have held, she treated you as an equal.  She was simply beautiful.  Yet, I noticed with every year I was there, her light got dimmer and dimmer… all do to a higher authority in the school.  Everyday seemed like a struggle for her.  She resorted to putting on face, starting with a clean slate everyday with the person that only mistreated her.  She always upheld her professionalism and voiced her concern in the most diplomatic way… but had moments in private in which she broke down in tears…She was truly hurting.

This school year, we started taking walks around the neighborhood before school started.  I had always taken walks on my own… my way of setting the tone for the day and she would join me every now and then when she got to school early enough…which seemed to be pretty consistent in the last few months or so.  These walks gave her clarity.  She was able to release all that she was feeling in a very constructive way… exercise.  I mostly listened and didn’t say too much because this was something she had to overcome.  I was there for support, encouraged her to be open to whatever opportunity came her way, but never told her what do because, to be honest, I had no idea what she needed do!  So, in these walks, she had admitted numerous times her spirit was broken, but then she would always say, “Jesus come see about me.” Then she was confused on how to go about her day but then mention the message from Sunday service.  She even admitted she was not happy at the school, but then we would walk to the grocery store so she could buy one her students a birthday treat.  It all seemed a bit contradictory but it was quite evident that there was still something inside of her sustaining her faith.  And in time,  job opportunities started to spring up…I must add without her doing… that led to her attaining a position elsewhere.

In both situations, there seemed to be an oppressing power from someone heavily in our lives.  This “man power” brought us both to tears, took our joy, stripped our strength… seemingly left us defeated… yet, the man power did something unintentionally… it activated HIS power within us.

and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” So ask me about my thorn, inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on—I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me.  I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was in the hot room… sauna with a friend of mine.  A daily ritual of taking a class at the gym, then heading to the sauna to chat with the girls.  One on one, or a small group… topics ranging from light and comical to heavy and serious, which are ususally ended with a dose of clarity and resolution.  I had always avoided this ritual of sharing a piece of me after class but lately.. for awhile now, it has become a platform in so many ways.  I am able to connect with others… the goal to transform my body then leads to a calling to connect.  The gym has become my ministry.  The women that have come along my path range from educators, businesswomen, mothers, wives… This is our time to release everything… the day… our woes…or frustrations…our whatever.  To laugh…to encourage, to soothe.

Recently, I had a conversation in which a gym friend of mine was ready to make a move outside of Texas to the same place I have my sights on.  She admitted to me that she admired my strength, my positivity in making the jump, after witnessing my “stand firm” approach in earlier conversation with someone that only discouraged my move… who, too happened to be a friend of mine.  Yet, the stand firm approach had all to do with my faith and His leading.  This was not the plan I set for me… this was the plan He set out for me… I have been confirmed over and over about it so how could I not stand firm and not allow the naysayers get the best of me.  It has already been done.  Then, the sauna conversation lead to the topic of struggle.  This friend relayed to me that she wanted to make the move but did not want to struggle…hmmmm…

The struggle is real…. and may be good for you.  I will admit I am technically in the struggle right now but I accept and love it…NOW! In the struggle I finding out who I am.  In the struggle I am weeding out those things that don’t belong and don’t promote growth.  In the struggle I am realizing hidden talents and skills… in the struggle I am loving myself more than I did when I had money.  When all was well, not really struggling… I used my time caught up in empty pursuits: shopping, being in the scene… I was not my authentic self.  The nothingness I am experiencing is helping me to remember that something that deep inside me…His plan.

The struggle takes me out of myself and helps me to see others more clearly… the struggle pulls me to help in other ways other than monetarily… the struggle brings me to a real place.

For a long time I hated the struggle… lack of funds, lack of a secure position in a career… I did not understand why things were so “in-between”…”I’m in transition,” is what I usually say when people ask… because I truly am.  The struggle is a transitional period… a process.  In this transition, a transformation is taking place. Perspectives are being changed and destinies are being realized.  Count it all joy (James 1:2)… I get it now.  I remember at the beginning of the struggle… the first year I moved back home, a close friend told me, “Don’t think of it as a struggle but think of it more as preparation.”  At the time I was so caught up in whatever I was caught up in…. I just wanted (and still want) the simple things: my own home, a career, and a family.  Yet, in the struggle I am gaining the knowledge and wisdom to uphold my destined career, to be a good mother/ wife and to manage my very own home.  The struggle is training me…..humbling me…and even bringing me joy.
Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line—mature, complete, and wanting nothing.  If you don’t have all the wisdom needed for this journey, then all you have to do is ask God for it; and God will grant all that you need. He gives lavishly and never scolds you for asking.

James 1:2-5

 

 

 

 

So, this past week I received confirmation on a dream a had… the sunset dream in which I was walking on water with Jesus and He then tells me, “This is where I leave.”  Well, in my own understanding I was thinking it meant this is my time to reflect, meditate,  which will always be a constant but I have come to realize that I am being tested…tested right before the breakthrough:

“Are you truly ready for what I am about to do?  Let me see,” said Jesus

Now, I was quite aware some tests that have already come along my way.  The temptation test, in which I am presented with something I had let go… will I go back to it? So far, I think I am staying on course.  The old habits, old places, and old activities don’t interest anymore.  Then, the patience test, which is a everyday trial in working with children with special needs… So much better at this…I internalize the desire to throw a calculator at the wall, breath in, then move on.  Also, my anxiety to have everything now: family, career, business has subsided… starting to realize that preparation and His timing is key.  So, I feel like I can handle those tests, but one test that is taking some effort is the one and only… maybe the hardest test of them all….The Forgiveness Test.

So, I had a conversation with my co-worker last week  about the cycle of hurt and the urgency to heal old wounds.   She’s studying psychology and I am always intrigued on what she’s learning.  This particular subject struck a cord with me because just the day before I prayed to God to help me to forgive a friend of mine.  We were really good friends. We had met each other when life seemed like a ball of confusion.  We were both lost but found peace in each other…we found love in a hopeless place (yes, me and Rihanna have that in common.)  I could be all of me… goofy, introspective…the authentic me.  (This was way before me being comfortable in my own skin with everyone.)  This friend made me laugh, and made me not think about my frustrations and worries.  I loved this friend..and still do.  Yet, in time, this friend, out of nowhere, hurt me.  I had never experienced this much hurt from anyone…no one in my own family has hurt me this much as this person did.  Although it has been a year or so since the damage has been done, I still hold onto the hurt.  Yes, I am able to move on and enjoy my life but when I think of this person it goes straight to his actions and how they impacted me.  I have resigned to only connect with this person via social media but to be face to face… I’m not sure if I am able to let go of all that he has put on me.  While talking to God, I asked him to show me what I had done to bring this on me.  I did an analysis of the whole situation, but I found no fault.  I did nothing but love this person… I gave, and gave but he only brought me down.

I had a dream recently that kind of put this issue in perspective.  This person was waiting for me…. and my mom was seated right next to him waiting for me also.  I had always had a decent relationship with my mother but it was strained in some parts throughout my life… and even now.  My teenage years was spent in being ungrateful and treating my mother with disrespect… and now that I am back home there are still moments that I seek rebellion.  I am almost positive God wants me to resolve our relationship and redeem the time that was lost.  She gave, and gave but I only brought her down… wow, am I getting a taste of my own medicine?

My mother is an amazing person.  She has been, and is a constant in my life.  She offers me support, encouragement and unconditional love,  even when my actions can cause her pain….I am sorry mom.

Make Amends.

Forgive.

In this time of waiting HE has made me aware of my hidden talents but also aware of hidden hurt… hurt that I have put on others and those that have hurt me.  Thank God I have never done or no one has ever done anything that has lead to a physical death, but to harbor unforgiveness and a desire not to resolve relationships can lead to my very spiritual death.  No matter how I try to cover it up with smiles and good deeds.  I know I am being asked…NO, I am being DEMANDED to forgive and make amends.

 

‘Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt.   So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.

Matthew 18:33-35

 

 

 

 

During my spring break, I was prompted to retrieve this play I wrote two years ago.  I started writing it when I was in the middle of my “what am I going to do with my life?” phase.  I had no idea where I was going with this play…I just went with it.  I started the play off with a dream I had when I first moved back to Houston.  My grandmother, Mommie (emphasis on on the second m) was driving me somewhere.  She was younger, looked like my Aunt Priscilla, who is the oldest child on my mom’s side of the family.  She was slim, shoulder-length black hair…reminiscent of Lena Horne.  I was in the backseat, looking out the side window, I could feel her glancing at me in the rear-view mirror.  After a minute or two, she asked, “How are you?” I answered in a non-convincing “fine.” She then said to me, “You need to detach from everything that you have known before.”  Thus begins the tale.

Throughout the play the main character, Eden, retreats to a song that she can’t seem to let go:

Little girl I used to know you, Little girl you were so true, Little girl why do you leave me so alone and blue, Little girl, little girl I knew you, Little girl, little girl you knew me too, Where have you gone little girl, Where are you?

The song comes to her when she comes back home.

Well, of course the play stems from my own experience of coming home…physically and spiritually.  I had to reset, and begin again.  I read the play with new eyes.  I had forgotten what I had put in the play… the action, the scenes, characters…  It was all new to me… and I was bit taken back that while I was reading it some revelation came upon me.  The play reminded me to go back to that little girl I once was.  I had re-read the play when I was right in the middle of deciding to make plans with this entertainment company.  Every worry entered my mind: How was I going to get there?  Should I even go?  Is it going to work out?  among other doubts… I was lost…confused…and scared.  But then I kept reading… The play pushed me to go back to the little girl that has faith, confidence, enthusiasm, peace, security…the one God called me to be.  I had to rid my mind of all that life swung at me as I got older: selfish desires, confusion, struggle, hurt… I needed to go back to her.

In the play, Eden, battles with the flesh and the spirit.  The flesh being defined as all that is of the self: worry, doubt, selfish desires, confusion; and the spirit, all that is of God: peace, humility, patience, trust, hope, and love.  Throughout the play they are face to face quite a bit, The Old and The New Eden.  I guess I could have given them different names and allow the story to reveal the true essence of each character but I just wanted to to tell the story… I may give them all real names later, instead of: Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Someone New, Someone New 2, Brother Boy, and Boy.  The only character that has a name is Eden… hmmm maybe that’s symbolic of something…Thus brings up the central theme of the play…the claim for identity.  Eden starts to pick apart the self she once was and comes to understand  how others define her, especially those in her inner circle… family and close friends.  Eden hears the truth about herself from those closest to her and finds that she must yield to those truths and the truth within her.

Writing the play made me realize that I was not being honest with myself.  I longed to be approved by others, and I sought this approval from people nowhere near my inner circle.  I spent a lot of time running away from inner circle, the ones that truly knew me and my TRUE potential. I sought to be seen and acknowledged but ended up in the wrong environment… not my true destiny.  I needed to re-establish who I was…who I am.  I had to step away from the old, and submit to the new.   In the process I realized that there were people and places that needed my true presence… my true identity.  My true identity is my purpose… my true identity is my saving grace.

So, let me keep in mind Eden in this time of renewal.  Make me New, Lord.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying.  There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”

Revelation 21:4-5

 

 

 

 

I had a dream that I was walking on the water with someone.  It was sunset and the water glistened with hues of oranges and pinks.  The waters were calm and the ambiance was peaceful.  The someone I was walking with seemed to be a guide.  We walked side by side, talking gently to one another.  I can’t recall the topic of discussion but it seemed as if we were walking for a short time, maybe 5 minutes and then the guide told me, “This is where I leave you.”  It seemed a bit abrupt but as I saw the guide walk away I did not ask why.  I simply sat down on a wooden, high stump that was beside me and looked out into the sunset.

I woke up that morning with the realization that something has ended in my life, a phase has to an end.  I was not at all upset with this ending, a natural order of things.  The dream ended with me sitting on a stump watching the sunset,  a time for reflection and contemplation.  Although, in the physical I am working towards attaining new positions by attending events, email corresponding and interviews, there needs to be a time to assess what is being done within me … what He is doing within me.  Take notice of His work… the serene, ever-flowing ocean and the lavender, violet sky.  A true artisan’s work.

It’s hard not to get enticed with the hustle when there is a “need” in some areas in my life. When I have a “need” I can be quite creative to find a way to take care of it.  I take on more responsibilities and find myself saying yes to anything and everything that has money attached to it.  That was my M.O. for most of my life, yet it only brought me worry.  When I do feel that nudge to do it my way I recall that old feeling of uneasiness and let it go.  I let go of the need to control.  The dream helped to me remember and to reflect on His goodness…how His way saved me.  His way gave me clarity and direction.  His way led to wisdom…and most importantly His way lead to peace.

I have been said to be a free spirit, going with my heart in all that I do, yet I still desire stability.  Stability calls one to take notice of their direction, purpose.  I will always move from my heart, but return to the foundation that sustains my heartfelt desires.  The dream called me to remember and take notice.  He is here.  He is speaking. I will listen and follow through:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

–Oceans by Hillsong United

 

Lent is here and although my Catholic happenings only extend to Christmas and Easter mass with my family, I still like to partake in the preparation seasons of  Advent and Lent.  My whole life was consumed with Catholic traditions so it’s kind of hard to walk completely away from it all together.  At times I feel like it’s calling me back… I guess it is part of my identity.  There were certain choices I made based on the fact that I was Catholic… am Catholic… I embrace this tug back to the religion only because there is better understanding of it all.  My break from the religion allowed me to experience the far bigger, deeper relationship with God that I could have without any restrains.  I let go of the idea that the only way I could connect to God was through an institution or a person.  I learned to speak from my heart, instead of reciting memorized prayers that had no meaning to me.  I also came to realize my spiritual gift of prophecy.  Others outside the catholic faith that had this gift appeared in my life and I was not scared of the visions, dreams anymore, (I mean there are some that wake me up at night.) I now understand it is His leading to pursue the light and bring others to the light.  My need to be perfect has disappeared.  I had spent the majority of my life so careful not to look bad.  I needed to be just right.  I had such high expectations of myself, not that I blame Cathoclism but that feeling of shame after Confession did not make it any better.  Now, I have not altogether joined a Catholic church or anything but I do feel like it’s happening.. maybe for the preparation for a family, a marriage… or simply a need for a foundation.

So, my aunt asked me why do we get ashes.  A test, I know, “a remembrance of Christ’s death.”  So I must remember that: I, me is not the focus.  There is an urgency to commit entirely to Him.  He has called me to do something that I was created to do.  I mustn’t compare, or be jealous of others’ successes when those “successes” were not made for me.  I must remember the calling that was I destined to serve.  I must listen to know what steps to take.  I must remember to stay at peace and be gentle in my words and in my actions.  I must remember to have humilty and pray earnestly to uphold humility.  To let go of any entitlement, self-righteous mindset because it blocks me from hearing you, Lord.  My greatest plea in this season: help me to love, Lord.  To love those that have hurt me directly and those I see hurting others. Help me to love and start anew, forgiving all transgressions… everyone is a clean slate.  “I still love you.”  Help me to love.

In my written correspondences with people I have noticed I can not end without “Love.” Love Period.  Maybe it’s a reminder to myself …or maybe it’s a deep love I feel for the person I communicating with.  I dunno.  I have decided to love maybe a year ago.  I am not sure how it came about but I started to have this overwhelming sense of love for others.  I think The Surrender has a lot to do with  it.  Believe me it was hard to write this word to certain people because I did not want to scare them away.  To even say the word seemed far-fetched.  The love word had only resided within my family, where it felt comfortable and did not cause uneasiness.  I did not have to explain.  To speak the word to others outside of my family was a little too much.  “U good?” became my love word.  U good was simple and pretty much the love word.  As to say, I am concerned about you because I love you= U good?   Yet, the process has brought on a need to speak, write the word.  As Stevie Wonder reminds is, ” Love is in need of love today.” A call to speak, write, and embrace love.

In this Lenten season, teach me how to love, God.

 Live and work without pride. Be gentle and kind. Do not be hard on others. Let love keep you from doing that.  Work hard to live together as one by the help of the Holy Spirit. Then there will be peace.

Ephesians 4:2-3

 

 

Saint Bernadette Soubirous (1844-1879)

Near the end of last year I had a bit of fear within me.  This fear stemmed from being led to do some crazy things.  I was led to travel with very little money and meet with professionals in the entertainment industry.  I was scared.  Is this going to work out?  Can I be on my own again?  When I arrived to the new city, it was as if angels guided my every step.  I was aquainted with helpful people and had this overwhelming peace within me.  I was okay.  I had a scheduled meeting at 11am but made it to the office around 9:30am, which proved to be good timing because I was able sign contracts, then head to hair and make-up for a photoshoot, and made it just in time to catch my flight back home to Houston.  The short trip seemed so surreal because everything was just right…I mean even the weather was perfect.  I didn’t even have to fill up the tank of the rental car I used, it stayed on full.  It was all so weird how it all worked out perfectly and I simply went by divine instruction… no questions asked.

I recently watched the movie The Song of Bernadette.  I am not sure why I chose to dvr the movie.. maybe I was led to do so.  I watched the film a week or so after the trip and I sensed that there was this push towards “crazy”.  St. Bernadette was not the best student at her catholic school and her family was very poor, so she was not the perfect candidate to be on any platform… until one day while she was gathering bushels as she always did, a vision of Mary appears to her in the grotto.   She kneels down to her presence and heeds to the request of coming to this same site for a number of days to recieve divine messages.  She has told only her family but then word spreads throughout the city that she has seen a vision of Mary.  Some think she is crazy, while others are drawn to go with her to the sacred grotto.  In time, she is questioned by city officials and even tested by doctors for insanity, yet the clergy stands behind Bernadette. She follows through with coming to the sacred spot for a number of days as the vision requested and each time she is accompanied by more and more people.  People start to believe.  However, on one occasion Mary tells Bernadette to drink from the spring and wash her face with the water.  She begins to look around but there was no spring for her to drink from. Mary then leads her to a certain spot and tells her dig.  Bernadette digs and muddy water appears.  She begins to drink and wash her face with the muddy water.  This was not a clear water spring… she was washing her face with dirt… she only did what the vision of Mary told her to do.  The huge crowd walked away, thinking she was crazy and her own mother carried her away.  Yet, later on that day water began to flow from the hole she dug and it eventually became a waterfall.  A waterfall with healing power.

After seeing the movie, I had decided to make St. Bernadette my patron saint.  I admire her strength to follow through.  She didn’t care what people thought of her, she only cared about what God thought of her.  Even when she was given the message to do something crazy, she had the faith that she would be well taken care of.   In fact, when she followed through with Mary’s request, her family was also well taken care of.   And in all the questioning and accusations, she held her ground and was then put on a platform to bring people back to Christ.  The movie definitely confirmed my recent actions.  It was crazy to travel like that, I mean I didn’t even want to tell my parents because it sounded so crazy to do this right now, but I had a knowing that God was with me on this.  I think I am called to do some crazy things right now and maybe it’s all part of the testing.  I know His life, what He can do, and have taken what was blocking me from Him, now I must utilize all that have learned thus far and go at it… even when it doesn’t make any sense.

 

I recently had a conversation with a fellow theater major on our paths in the arts.  After going back in forth on what schools we attended, NY or LA, and our present careers outside of the theater world, I then told her the reason why I broke away from the artist’s life…the artist’s life can be  pretty selfish. She agreed.  Is a true artist only focused on self?  Of course if asked, any artist would deny this claim, continue to create in their studio, and open their Macbook Pro to apply for the next grant that will supplement their next creation and living expenses.  Look at me…give me…love me.  The artist is the most insecure person I know… I can say this because I am an artist.  So how do I become a self-less artist?

I have come up with some theories on how to obtain this title: the self-less artist.  The self-less artist must grasp his true identity in Jesus, God.  This knowledge is only gained by acknowledging and humbling oneself to His presence.  The ego, pride must dissipate so what’s left is a blank canvas.  When all you have created, what you thought you were, is let go, God will then reveal your true self. When this new self is accepted and embraced the need to seek validation in the world, the masses, is gone.  Your only validation will come from above.  In this act of submission, changes within and outside the self start to transpire.  He leads you to make these changes.

Surrender then leads to answering a call. The self-less artist must recognize his own unique talents and gifts.  It is very easy to be influenced by others and somehow re-create what’s already being done yet true artistry stems from an influence from the spirit.  This originates from a relationship with your Creator.  Spending time with Him. Alone.  Quiet. I believe the very essence of being an artist is honoring The True creator.  There is a unique strand within me that is not like any other and only God can know how to use me in the most efficient way.  My life experiences, trials are used to grasp this calling.  The very setbacks that caused me pain will then be revealed as links to my voice, message to the world.

And my last theory of the self-less artist is that their creations are used to heal. I certainly feel the arts has the power to create change.  A testimony, a transformation, an awakening.  Art brings light to dark places.  The once selfish desires to be seen, to be heard are now washed away and replaced by a need to serve.  To lead. To heal. The healed artist then becomes a healer.

In conclusion, The self-less artist recognizes and adheres to his master’s call.

So my theories, of course, originate from my own spiritual walk.  In the walk I was challenged physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually only to attain my true identity.  I questioned God, was angry with Him and even walked away from Him but something, or rather someone always called me back.  I don’t know if I can be this self-less artist.  It all seems so easy when you’re not really in the art scene anymore.  Yet, my gut is telling me that it may be time to return… although this second time around will be quite different.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Eternal, “plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope–never forget that.  At that time, you will call out to Me, and I will hear.  You will pray, and I will listen.  You will look for Me intently, and you will find Me.  Yes, I will be found by you,” says the Eternal, “and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations where you’ve been scattered–all the places where I have driven you.  I will bring you back to the land that is your rightful home.” 

Jeremiah 29:11-14

 

 

 

I had mentioned in my last entry that I have an immense amount of peace… and I do, but I do have a tinge of fear.  It’s not the type that keeps me indoors on my knees praying for divine help but  quiet, calm jitters.  I don’t like to talk too much about this feeling because my gut feeling of newness approaching seems unreal to anyone else that only see my “physical, earthly accomplishments.”  My inner accomplishments have yielded me to this anxiety. This time last year, I was a wreck.  I had the same problems I did last year, every area of my life  up in the air.  I remember crying on the phone just days after Christmas because I felt so hopeless.  I was so weak.  I can say that because it was me.  I was pathetic.  I looked every else for validation and was never content with myself.  I was lost.  Yet,  somehow in one year a newfound strength diminished these traits.

This year has definitely been a rebuilding year.  I was surrounded by strong women, spiritually strong women, that brought me out of the darkness.    My inner circle widened to a group of women that encouraged me and yes, showed me the light.  I wish I could give each and every one of them a thank you note and a bouquet of flowers.  These women resided in a bible study group, at the gym, work, in my own family, and random women that God placed on my path in my daily happenings.  I read St. Theresa of Avila’s book Interior Castle and was enthused by her prophetic words of wisdom.  I also just finished Amy Poehler’s new book, Yes Please, and admired her drive to bring comedy to the masses in creating Upright Citizen’s Brigade.  Gentle words, texts, emails slowly but surely gathered up all the pieces that I was in and made me whole again… a bit of a cliche but that was exactly what was happening.  In the process I began to seek God for validation.  I would open up my prayers to his leading, lessening my lists of requests.  His way started to make sense to me.  His way made me a stronger woman not only spiritually, but emotionally, physically and mentally.

I had spent most of this year reclaiming my identity and being comfortable in my own skin.  That was actually my resolution for 2014… to be comfortable in my own skin.  My sister and I wrote down each other’s resolutions, so we could hold each other accountable, and then prayed over them.  We have decided to make this a tradition.  This year my bible study group, a group of beautiful strong women, wrote a thank you note to God to commemorate the new year. On one side of the card we wrote down all the blessings we were thankful for that happened in 2014 and then on the other side wrote down the blessings that are going to happen in 2015.  The act of claiming before it happens.  Law of Attraction. The Secret.  Yet, this act involves Our creator to intervene.  Acknowledging that He has the power to create these miracles .  I have faith in this because I witnessed this in 2014.  I will not take all the credit for creating a stronger person within me.  There is no way that I could tie all the pieces together.  Seeking  out the perfect people, circumstances, trials to ensure this request could only be accomplished by a being that knows me more than I know yourself.   A higher being that knows my potential.  A higher being that created me to be a certain way, to live a certain way, to be with a certain person, to leave a certain legacy.  So yes, I will only seek Him… it just makes sense.

I thanked God for the new opportunities, connections, relationships in 2015.  My identity is established as a woman and as an artist, now the work must begin.  His work through me.  The small beginnings are opening new doors and I thank you God for the newness…just help me God to not be afraid.

 

 

 

The end of the year is approaching and I feel an immense amount of peace.  Which is kind of odd because my finances are nowhere where I would like them to be and my career is kind of up in the air right now. Yet, a feeling of completion has come over me… a graduation on the horizon.

Leading up to this moment, opportunities have started to spring up…opportunities that do not pay anything I may add.  I became a potential board member for a dance company , a judge for a children’s art contest, and  currently directing a Christmas play.  I have resided to enjoy these happenings with no pay with a mindset for the greater good.  The duties at hand serve not me and but others.  I am still in the refinement phase, a bit further along than before though, and I am fine with that.  I am content to be in these new roles, but I do feel like these roles have come about bit too soon.  I haven’t acquired any public recognition for my talents or experienced great material success.  Why now?

I went to a board meeting not too long ago and wondered what I was doing there.  You had people there that had families, owned businesses, knew people with money, while I, on the other hand, am making a living as a tutor, living with my parents and using the bulk of my paycheck to pay off my student loans.  Near the end of the meeting, I was asked to stay behind. I was thinking the worse.  After seeing me a few times at meetings and googling me, I presume, they  realized I was not cut out for the position.  I would be fine with this decision.  It all seemed to premature, really… a board member?   Yet, I was asked to just look over the bylaws to make my presence on the board official.

Small beginnings popped in my head when started writing this entry so I googled it.  I decided to refine my search: Small beginnings in the Bible… I needed it to come from a reliable source and came across this:

Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin…” Zechariah 4:10

So, although large amounts of money is non-existent in my bank account, a work within me is starting to bloom.   These new roles may be mere introductions of what is to come… a glimpse of my future-self ….  or rather purpose starting to bloom.  The perfect Christmas gift.