In this walk with God, I am realizing that it is now time to speak. Listening to one’s problem was always easy for me and but for me to be open up about my pain, struggles… well, I only share with a certain few. I don’t like to put all of my business out there. I am private person. Yes, I am social and can talk for days but my personal mess is my own personal mess. I am okay in other’s eyes, at least that’s what I want to be seen as. Come to me with your problems and I will have the resolution. That was my MO and I was cool with it, yet in this choice I lost my very soul. I was not being truly honest with myself. I became the nurturer, making sure everything was okay with everyone else… yet, never coming to grasp of my own internal struggles and fears. I was never truly coming to grasp who I truly was, am… created to be.
I remember I had a dream in which I was in this huge church, filled with so many people. The people were speaking non-stop, wanting to share their stories, and some praying. There was a person with a microphone and it was now my turn to speak. I smiled and turned away. I wasn’t ready. The next person then took my turn and I just watched. I had a similar dream in which someone from my past gave me the microphone. I took it… but don’t remember saying anything.
Speaking had always been a fear of mind. God knew this of course and put me in situations in which I had to speak. A shy girl to heart I was terrified to open my mouth. Dance and writing became my modes of expression. Dancing required no words just body movement and my writing was private, journal writing that no one read, only I. I was safe.
Now, after the hiding, the refining, it is now time to speak. It is now time to be heard. Be transparent. The changes, the revelations, the call.