When the Lord called, Samuel! And he answered, Here I am.  He ran to Eli and said, Here I am, for you called me. Eli said, I did not call you; lie down again. So he went and lay down.  And the Lord called again, Samuel! And Samuel arose and went to Eli and said, Here am I; you did call me. Eli answered, I did not call, my son; lie down again.  Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord, and the word of the Lord was not yet revealed to him.  And the Lord called Samuel the third time. And he went to Eli and said, Here I am, for you did call me. Then Eli perceived that the Lord was calling the boy.

1 Samuel 3:4-8 (AMP)

I heard this scripture recently and thought of a time when that happened to me.  Samuel grew up in the church but had not experienced the voice of God just yet.  He was young but was destined to be a great prophet.  Well, i’m not to sure if I’m destined to be a great prophet but recently while I was sleeping and I heard someone call my name.  A man’s voice to be exact.  At that very moment, I got up, turned on the light and opened the Bible.  I don’t even know how or why I thought I should start reading the Bible but it was like an automatic response.

This call was to spend time with Him.  It was 4 am.  “Before you start the day, talk to me.  Acknowledge me.”  I tried to upkeep this discipline of getting up early to pray and/or read but it only lasted for a week or so.  After I stopped, my internal clock still woke me up super early, but  I didn’t want to get up.  Like this morning my eyes popped open at 3:44 am.  Did I get up to pray/ read?  Nope. I have to admit though,  when I did fall into the routine of waking up that early my day went smoother, I was able to deal.  I mean I still pray when I wake up at a decent hour, but it’s a few requests and a thank you Jesus, then I’m done.  I don’t spend quality time with Him as I should if I would have woken up at 4 am.

I had a dream recently that I was wearing a dress.  A white dress.  Almost like a nun’s outfit, with a white habit and everything.  In my head or maybe out loud I said, “This is not the wedding dress I wanted.”  People were sizing me up in the dress and yes, a wedding was taking place, yet in the back of mind I knew it was not a typical wedding taking place, but more like a commitment ceremony.  Now, I know I’m not called to be nun, because God has shown me otherwise, but I know He would like me to be totally committed to  Him in this phase of my life right now.  Like any relationship, one has to minimize the “me time” a bit in order to build a true relationship.  This is a new relationship in my life so I need to do my part and be available.  I need to pick up the phone… even when I don’t feel like it.

Samuel finally does realize that God is calling him and he answers, by Eli’s instruction:

…Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.

1 Samuel 3:10

Marc Riboud, 1967

The heat has certainly brought peace within me, and somehow wisdom.  I gained wisdom on how to handle situations and relationships.  Wisdom that lead me to make certain choices.   Again I had to let go of some things but this time around it was more about how I was defined.  I walked away from roles that served their purpose and started to feel a push towards a new role, a new platform.  The preparation phase is coming to end.  No longer waiting in the wings watching everyone else.  It is due time… almost curtain time.

In the course of being tested,  my perspective changed.  I started see the reason for certain trials.  The hidden lessons in the struggle. I was also moved to make Him more known.  Well, not so literal as in creating gospel plays or writing sermons, but I  started to write my personal testimony.. hence the blog.  I had also ended this personal narrative I has started two years ago that dealt with my past and my journey to purpose.  I worked on it every now and then but just recently decided to end the story.  It was kind of crazy because I had no plans of ending it.  I thought it was just going to be an ongoing project, but one day I sat down to write, read over my last entry and wrote the ending.  Maybe me looking to the past was done.  A finished project.

So going back to making Him more known.  I have come to understand how I want to be seen as an artist.  The works I would like to produce.  The works will be universal.  Relationships.  Awakening.  A healing.  Art that heals. Before, when I was living in NY, I did whatever, not having any discretion on the projects I chose.  I saw it all as a means to end.  I had to try out for whatever in order to be seen then eventually make a name for myself.  Thank God I haven’t gotten my big break yet because without undergoing this process… a long refining process… I would have made some huge mistakes and misrepresented myself.  I would have messed up.  If I had gained the whole world to see me and was caught up in myself, and only my desires, the very platform I created would have crumbled underneath me and I would have been further into the pit of defeat and misery.

Yet, He molded me.  He refined those gifts within me.  He knocked me down a couple of notches.   It was hard.  There were moments when I wanted to take the easy way out.  Get a job that paid way more and was closer to home or catch a plane to wherever to end this whole lesson… but something within me always called me back to the heat. It was needed.

It’s funny throughout this process God presented me with projects that focused on the self and projects that focused on the spirit.  This past year I fully accepted the projects of the spirit, which was the whole point in the first place.