So, this past week I received confirmation on a dream a had… the sunset dream in which I was walking on water with Jesus and He then tells me, “This is where I leave.”  Well, in my own understanding I was thinking it meant this is my time to reflect, meditate,  which will always be a constant but I have come to realize that I am being tested…tested right before the breakthrough:

“Are you truly ready for what I am about to do?  Let me see,” said Jesus

Now, I was quite aware some tests that have already come along my way.  The temptation test, in which I am presented with something I had let go… will I go back to it? So far, I think I am staying on course.  The old habits, old places, and old activities don’t interest anymore.  Then, the patience test, which is a everyday trial in working with children with special needs… So much better at this…I internalize the desire to throw a calculator at the wall, breath in, then move on.  Also, my anxiety to have everything now: family, career, business has subsided… starting to realize that preparation and His timing is key.  So, I feel like I can handle those tests, but one test that is taking some effort is the one and only… maybe the hardest test of them all….The Forgiveness Test.

So, I had a conversation with my co-worker last week  about the cycle of hurt and the urgency to heal old wounds.   She’s studying psychology and I am always intrigued on what she’s learning.  This particular subject struck a cord with me because just the day before I prayed to God to help me to forgive a friend of mine.  We were really good friends. We had met each other when life seemed like a ball of confusion.  We were both lost but found peace in each other…we found love in a hopeless place (yes, me and Rihanna have that in common.)  I could be all of me… goofy, introspective…the authentic me.  (This was way before me being comfortable in my own skin with everyone.)  This friend made me laugh, and made me not think about my frustrations and worries.  I loved this friend..and still do.  Yet, in time, this friend, out of nowhere, hurt me.  I had never experienced this much hurt from anyone…no one in my own family has hurt me this much as this person did.  Although it has been a year or so since the damage has been done, I still hold onto the hurt.  Yes, I am able to move on and enjoy my life but when I think of this person it goes straight to his actions and how they impacted me.  I have resigned to only connect with this person via social media but to be face to face… I’m not sure if I am able to let go of all that he has put on me.  While talking to God, I asked him to show me what I had done to bring this on me.  I did an analysis of the whole situation, but I found no fault.  I did nothing but love this person… I gave, and gave but he only brought me down.

I had a dream recently that kind of put this issue in perspective.  This person was waiting for me…. and my mom was seated right next to him waiting for me also.  I had always had a decent relationship with my mother but it was strained in some parts throughout my life… and even now.  My teenage years was spent in being ungrateful and treating my mother with disrespect… and now that I am back home there are still moments that I seek rebellion.  I am almost positive God wants me to resolve our relationship and redeem the time that was lost.  She gave, and gave but I only brought her down… wow, am I getting a taste of my own medicine?

My mother is an amazing person.  She has been, and is a constant in my life.  She offers me support, encouragement and unconditional love,  even when my actions can cause her pain….I am sorry mom.

Make Amends.

Forgive.

In this time of waiting HE has made me aware of my hidden talents but also aware of hidden hurt… hurt that I have put on others and those that have hurt me.  Thank God I have never done or no one has ever done anything that has lead to a physical death, but to harbor unforgiveness and a desire not to resolve relationships can lead to my very spiritual death.  No matter how I try to cover it up with smiles and good deeds.  I know I am being asked…NO, I am being DEMANDED to forgive and make amends.

 

‘Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt.   So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.

Matthew 18:33-35

 

 

 

 

During my spring break, I was prompted to retrieve this play I wrote two years ago.  I started writing it when I was in the middle of my “what am I going to do with my life?” phase.  I had no idea where I was going with this play…I just went with it.  I started the play off with a dream I had when I first moved back to Houston.  My grandmother, Mommie (emphasis on on the second m) was driving me somewhere.  She was younger, looked like my Aunt Priscilla, who is the oldest child on my mom’s side of the family.  She was slim, shoulder-length black hair…reminiscent of Lena Horne.  I was in the backseat, looking out the side window, I could feel her glancing at me in the rear-view mirror.  After a minute or two, she asked, “How are you?” I answered in a non-convincing “fine.” She then said to me, “You need to detach from everything that you have known before.”  Thus begins the tale.

Throughout the play the main character, Eden, retreats to a song that she can’t seem to let go:

Little girl I used to know you, Little girl you were so true, Little girl why do you leave me so alone and blue, Little girl, little girl I knew you, Little girl, little girl you knew me too, Where have you gone little girl, Where are you?

The song comes to her when she comes back home.

Well, of course the play stems from my own experience of coming home…physically and spiritually.  I had to reset, and begin again.  I read the play with new eyes.  I had forgotten what I had put in the play… the action, the scenes, characters…  It was all new to me… and I was bit taken back that while I was reading it some revelation came upon me.  The play reminded me to go back to that little girl I once was.  I had re-read the play when I was right in the middle of deciding to make plans with this entertainment company.  Every worry entered my mind: How was I going to get there?  Should I even go?  Is it going to work out?  among other doubts… I was lost…confused…and scared.  But then I kept reading… The play pushed me to go back to the little girl that has faith, confidence, enthusiasm, peace, security…the one God called me to be.  I had to rid my mind of all that life swung at me as I got older: selfish desires, confusion, struggle, hurt… I needed to go back to her.

In the play, Eden, battles with the flesh and the spirit.  The flesh being defined as all that is of the self: worry, doubt, selfish desires, confusion; and the spirit, all that is of God: peace, humility, patience, trust, hope, and love.  Throughout the play they are face to face quite a bit, The Old and The New Eden.  I guess I could have given them different names and allow the story to reveal the true essence of each character but I just wanted to to tell the story… I may give them all real names later, instead of: Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Someone New, Someone New 2, Brother Boy, and Boy.  The only character that has a name is Eden… hmmm maybe that’s symbolic of something…Thus brings up the central theme of the play…the claim for identity.  Eden starts to pick apart the self she once was and comes to understand  how others define her, especially those in her inner circle… family and close friends.  Eden hears the truth about herself from those closest to her and finds that she must yield to those truths and the truth within her.

Writing the play made me realize that I was not being honest with myself.  I longed to be approved by others, and I sought this approval from people nowhere near my inner circle.  I spent a lot of time running away from inner circle, the ones that truly knew me and my TRUE potential. I sought to be seen and acknowledged but ended up in the wrong environment… not my true destiny.  I needed to re-establish who I was…who I am.  I had to step away from the old, and submit to the new.   In the process I realized that there were people and places that needed my true presence… my true identity.  My true identity is my purpose… my true identity is my saving grace.

So, let me keep in mind Eden in this time of renewal.  Make me New, Lord.

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying.  There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”

Revelation 21:4-5