I created a vision board a while back… maybe 2 or 3 years ago and a few things actually manifested.  I got a jeep, did a headstand (didn’t stay on my head that long though) I teach kickboxing, and at one point had abs for days… corona put me back at square one.  As of right now, cases have gone down, restaurants and places of businesses have opened up.  Things are starting to seem somewhat normal, although wearing masks has become the norm.  It’s starting all to settle down a bit, yet there is also an election in the midst that’s causing some tension.  2020 is definitely been the year of labor pains … in the hopes of a beautiful miracle on its way… which may arrive in 2021.  Today is Kobe Bryant’s birthday.  I felt like that was the start of many heartbreaks, pain, struggles in this tumultuous year.  This year has proved to be the year of inner-work, self-discovery, and most importantly, in order for those first two to occur, a move to be closer to God.  I have found myself on many occasions, on more occasions than ever before, begging God for guidance.  What do you want me to do God?  Should let this go?  Should I let him/ her go?  How do I do this God? Tell me what to do God.  I need a clear direction.  Don’t be vague with me, God.  I need you to give me a vision.  I want what you want for me.  I need your help!

I thought I had the surrender part down pact but this year has proved to be surrender-mode all day, every day.  I had things I would do throughout the day.  I had a schedule: gym, work on my play… well I had things to do …but every day I would ask the same question: “God, what do you want me to do today?” I became his servant.  I wasn’t always obedient…it’s hard to deal with living with your parents… to be in such close quarters and really deal with their presence.  This year has proved that saving needs to be a priority and I need to focus, pick a location, and move out!  I mean be smart about it but yes, it has to be done now!  It’s time to get out! But if I was really honest with myself,… I think my subconscious knew I wasn’t ready to be on my own just yet.

Before all of this…I kept myself pretty busy and rarely found time to quiet my mind and just deal with the hurt I kept inside me.  I felt rejected, I felt unworthy, I felt unloved. I held so much from past relationships. I held so much from past relationships that… well, could I really embrace the new?

I am still in “labor mode because I still feel pangs here and there, anxious for it all to end.  Anxious to see the reason for all of this… not just within me but in all that’s happening in the world.  I don’t want to worry but only hope it is all for something beautiful….hence the labor metaphor I keep mentioning.  The pian will not last.  It will manifest into something beautiful. Until then, I’ll run to the father again and again.

 

God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day.

Psalm 46:5 NIV