I had mentioned in my last entry that I have an immense amount of peace… and I do, but I do have a tinge of fear. It’s not the type that keeps me indoors on my knees praying for divine help but quiet, calm jitters. I don’t like to talk too much about this feeling because my gut feeling of newness approaching seems unreal to anyone else that only see my “physical, earthly accomplishments.” My inner accomplishments have yielded me to this anxiety. This time last year, I was a wreck. I had the same problems I did last year, every area of my life up in the air. I remember crying on the phone just days after Christmas because I felt so hopeless. I was so weak. I can say that because it was me. I was pathetic. I looked every else for validation and was never content with myself. I was lost. Yet, somehow in one year a newfound strength diminished these traits.
This year has definitely been a rebuilding year. I was surrounded by strong women, spiritually strong women, that brought me out of the darkness. My inner circle widened to a group of women that encouraged me and yes, showed me the light. I wish I could give each and every one of them a thank you note and a bouquet of flowers. These women resided in a bible study group, at the gym, work, in my own family, and random women that God placed on my path in my daily happenings. I read St. Theresa of Avila’s book Interior Castle and was enthused by her prophetic words of wisdom. I also just finished Amy Poehler’s new book, Yes Please, and admired her drive to bring comedy to the masses in creating Upright Citizen’s Brigade. Gentle words, texts, emails slowly but surely gathered up all the pieces that I was in and made me whole again… a bit of a cliche but that was exactly what was happening. In the process I began to seek God for validation. I would open up my prayers to his leading, lessening my lists of requests. His way started to make sense to me. His way made me a stronger woman not only spiritually, but emotionally, physically and mentally.
I had spent most of this year reclaiming my identity and being comfortable in my own skin. That was actually my resolution for 2014… to be comfortable in my own skin. My sister and I wrote down each other’s resolutions, so we could hold each other accountable, and then prayed over them. We have decided to make this a tradition. This year my bible study group, a group of beautiful strong women, wrote a thank you note to God to commemorate the new year. On one side of the card we wrote down all the blessings we were thankful for that happened in 2014 and then on the other side wrote down the blessings that are going to happen in 2015. The act of claiming before it happens. Law of Attraction. The Secret. Yet, this act involves Our creator to intervene. Acknowledging that He has the power to create these miracles . I have faith in this because I witnessed this in 2014. I will not take all the credit for creating a stronger person within me. There is no way that I could tie all the pieces together. Seeking out the perfect people, circumstances, trials to ensure this request could only be accomplished by a being that knows me more than I know yourself. A higher being that knows my potential. A higher being that created me to be a certain way, to live a certain way, to be with a certain person, to leave a certain legacy. So yes, I will only seek Him… it just makes sense.
I thanked God for the new opportunities, connections, relationships in 2015. My identity is established as a woman and as an artist, now the work must begin. His work through me. The small beginnings are opening new doors and I thank you God for the newness…just help me God to not be afraid.
“And you, beloved, are the light of the world. A city built on a hilltop cannot be hidden. Similarly it would be silly to light a lamp and then hide it under a bowl. When someone lights a lamp, she puts it on a table or a desk or a chair, and the light illumines the entire house. You are like that illuminating light. Let your light shine everywhere you go, that you may illumine creation,so men and women everywhere may see your good actions, may see creation at its fullest, may see your devotion to Me, and may turn and praise your Father in heaven because of it.”