An opportunitity that could open doors outside of my hometown has presented itself.  This opportunity lies in the location that I have had my sights on since I’ve moved back home, so it’s kind of surreal that it’s actually happening.  I have to admit but I am little scared.  I have prayed for this, believed, spoke it into existence and now it is beginning to sprout…but I am bit hesitant.

My fear comes from not knowing the unknown.  I had the same feeling when I started working at a new school here.  I was nervous.  I was going to be working with Special Ed children, which I have never done before, so I was little scared but it ended up working out nicely, like second nature.  Maybe I have to keep that in my mind.  Maybe I just need to get in the groove of things and it will all fall into place effortlessly.  Yet, this time around I will be changing locations.  The changes I went through here, jobs, relationships didn’t seem so bad because I had my family to fall back on.  Their emotioal support got me through it.  Now I will have to go at it alone.  Well, I guess not entirely… this is when my trust in God comes into play.

Already, I can see that this very opportunity came from Him.  I did not seek this out, the company found me.  The company is even faith-based.  After the interview she had the nerve to say God Bless You.  God Bless you?  In the entertainment industry?  Is this for real?  I have decided to just be positive and go with it.

But I think my fear goes beyond walking into the unknown but fear that I could get lost again. I am going back to the place I walked away from so I could create some balance in my life.  In the process I was refined and a spirtual foundation in Christ was established within me, but will I be able to uphold it?  I will be auditioning again surrounded by other artists.  Will I get caught up in my own selfish desires and allow others to mold me?

Made me think about Dave Chapelle.   So he left his show because it started to go in a direction that devalued his character.  This move proves that he knows who he is, secure with himself, and will not let money mold him into something that he is not.  Don’t mean to preach, but doesn’t the enemy want you to go in the direction that is nothing what God created you to be?  The money, fame, recognition will serve as temptions.  But is it worth it?  Yep, I’m going to say it:   What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? Luke 9:25  So this month I pray to keep this in mind.  To uphold what I have gained from God.  To uphold what He has shown me to be.  To uphold my identity in Him.

When the Lord called, Samuel! And he answered, Here I am.  He ran to Eli and said, Here I am, for you called me. Eli said, I did not call you; lie down again. So he went and lay down.  And the Lord called again, Samuel! And Samuel arose and went to Eli and said, Here am I; you did call me. Eli answered, I did not call, my son; lie down again.  Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord, and the word of the Lord was not yet revealed to him.  And the Lord called Samuel the third time. And he went to Eli and said, Here I am, for you did call me. Then Eli perceived that the Lord was calling the boy.

1 Samuel 3:4-8 (AMP)

I heard this scripture recently and thought of a time when that happened to me.  Samuel grew up in the church but had not experienced the voice of God just yet.  He was young but was destined to be a great prophet.  Well, i’m not to sure if I’m destined to be a great prophet but recently while I was sleeping and I heard someone call my name.  A man’s voice to be exact.  At that very moment, I got up, turned on the light and opened the Bible.  I don’t even know how or why I thought I should start reading the Bible but it was like an automatic response.

This call was to spend time with Him.  It was 4 am.  “Before you start the day, talk to me.  Acknowledge me.”  I tried to upkeep this discipline of getting up early to pray and/or read but it only lasted for a week or so.  After I stopped, my internal clock still woke me up super early, but  I didn’t want to get up.  Like this morning my eyes popped open at 3:44 am.  Did I get up to pray/ read?  Nope. I have to admit though,  when I did fall into the routine of waking up that early my day went smoother, I was able to deal.  I mean I still pray when I wake up at a decent hour, but it’s a few requests and a thank you Jesus, then I’m done.  I don’t spend quality time with Him as I should if I would have woken up at 4 am.

I had a dream recently that I was wearing a dress.  A white dress.  Almost like a nun’s outfit, with a white habit and everything.  In my head or maybe out loud I said, “This is not the wedding dress I wanted.”  People were sizing me up in the dress and yes, a wedding was taking place, yet in the back of mind I knew it was not a typical wedding taking place, but more like a commitment ceremony.  Now, I know I’m not called to be nun, because God has shown me otherwise, but I know He would like me to be totally committed to  Him in this phase of my life right now.  Like any relationship, one has to minimize the “me time” a bit in order to build a true relationship.  This is a new relationship in my life so I need to do my part and be available.  I need to pick up the phone… even when I don’t feel like it.

Samuel finally does realize that God is calling him and he answers, by Eli’s instruction:

…Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.

1 Samuel 3:10

Marc Riboud, 1967

The heat has certainly brought peace within me, and somehow wisdom.  I gained wisdom on how to handle situations and relationships.  Wisdom that lead me to make certain choices.   Again I had to let go of some things but this time around it was more about how I was defined.  I walked away from roles that served their purpose and started to feel a push towards a new role, a new platform.  The preparation phase is coming to end.  No longer waiting in the wings watching everyone else.  It is due time… almost curtain time.

In the course of being tested,  my perspective changed.  I started see the reason for certain trials.  The hidden lessons in the struggle. I was also moved to make Him more known.  Well, not so literal as in creating gospel plays or writing sermons, but I  started to write my personal testimony.. hence the blog.  I had also ended this personal narrative I has started two years ago that dealt with my past and my journey to purpose.  I worked on it every now and then but just recently decided to end the story.  It was kind of crazy because I had no plans of ending it.  I thought it was just going to be an ongoing project, but one day I sat down to write, read over my last entry and wrote the ending.  Maybe me looking to the past was done.  A finished project.

So going back to making Him more known.  I have come to understand how I want to be seen as an artist.  The works I would like to produce.  The works will be universal.  Relationships.  Awakening.  A healing.  Art that heals. Before, when I was living in NY, I did whatever, not having any discretion on the projects I chose.  I saw it all as a means to end.  I had to try out for whatever in order to be seen then eventually make a name for myself.  Thank God I haven’t gotten my big break yet because without undergoing this process… a long refining process… I would have made some huge mistakes and misrepresented myself.  I would have messed up.  If I had gained the whole world to see me and was caught up in myself, and only my desires, the very platform I created would have crumbled underneath me and I would have been further into the pit of defeat and misery.

Yet, He molded me.  He refined those gifts within me.  He knocked me down a couple of notches.   It was hard.  There were moments when I wanted to take the easy way out.  Get a job that paid way more and was closer to home or catch a plane to wherever to end this whole lesson… but something within me always called me back to the heat. It was needed.

It’s funny throughout this process God presented me with projects that focused on the self and projects that focused on the spirit.  This past year I fully accepted the projects of the spirit, which was the whole point in the first place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I made the decision to be saved.  A full-fledged Christian.  I have acknowledged my mistakes, let go some things in my life, and  even got baptized.  Funny, but I had never understood why adults got baptized.  I mean you got it when you are baby so you’re good… right?  Hmmmmm….now I get it.

The thought of getting baptized again was always in the back of mind, especially when I started to cut away from some things and started to read the bible.  It seemed like the next step to initiate this new way of living. I have to admit I was little scared.  The whole idea of walking down an aisle while people stared at you and you saying to the world, “I messed up,” was a little too much.  I was cool with just telling God my mistakes in my silent prayers and then living my life as before.  Yet, it would not go away.   That feeling to get baptized stayed with me. The act of a cleansing had to be done.  As you can already guess, I did not get baptized by myself.  I mean I was dunked into the water by myself, but the night I decided was the same night a friend of mine decided, so we walked down the aisle together.  Thank God!

So yes, I’m saved! I am saved.  I actually thought things were going to be a lot easier.  I am walking the path that He wants me walk, I am following through… so why is it so challenging?   I am put in these situations that make me want to scream!  I get so frustrated and wonder where God is while I am suffering through all of this.  I pray to be neutral… not wanting to be in the heat.   Will I stick with His plan or will I go back to the familiar?  I also have these crazy dreams that are so vivid and seem real but somehow I know there are only illusions to get me off track.  And then I have these dreams that hold messages from up above that place peace within me.  I am secure and protected…He reminds me.

Pastor John Gray mentioned that there is a difference from being saved and being a Christian.  When you are saved you have  acknowledged  that you need God, but when you become a Christian you experience the process, the heat, to be spiritually mature.  The heat may come from job/ living conditions, relationships, and even in finances.  The challenges faced are simply tests to see how far you have become.  The same tests can reappear again and again until passed… to progress onto graduation, your promised land.

Well, I hope after three and half years I am near graduation.

When I hear the word Revelations I automatically think of Alvin Ailey and the infamous pic of the company in a huddle with their winged arms.  I, along with my mom and sister, always make it a point to see the dance company when they are in town.  It is an outing the three of us rarely miss.  Dinner before the show and then head to the theater, way before the doors open and linger in the lobby area.  We are excited, anticpating the whole experience.  We people watch and skim through the merchandise until, at last, we are ushered to our seats.  Revelations is usually done at the end of the performance.  I guess an incentive to stay for the entire performace… no, not really but it is the reason why so many flock to see the dance company.  Save the best for last.

Revelations. A direct call from God. (I’m sure Mr. Ailey recieved a direct call from God in creating such a spiritual piece.) A vision of what is to come through His eyes.  A prompt to do something that is within His will.  I remember months before I made changes in social circles, I had a dream in which I was with them and it was night time.  We were outisde, no street lights on, just darkness.  Then we headed indoors, into someone’s apartment and still there was darkness. (Sounds like the book of Genesis ; ))  The lights were off and I could barely see.  “Could someone put on the light,” I said out loud or maybe to myself.  Then all of sudden I was by myself in this new place.  Light was all around me.  It was a sunny, bright day.  I was in a city, a new city.  I was suspended in the air, lifted up and a butterfly landed on my finger.  Now, it was pretty obvious that it was time to be on my own.

The darkness I left was my own darkness, in a sense.  If I were to stay within that same circle of people I would not experience true freedom.  I would not have attained that next level of development.  My gifts would not expand.  Simply put, I would not grow.  Growth requires change.  One cannot grow within the familiar.  There has to be a new role to take on in a new environment to ensure the expansion of gifts.

I have to keep in mind when revelations are presented, they are the end result.  The prompts, leadings to make certain changes will lead to this outcome.  I had known way before that I needed to move on, the dream only confirmed my intuition.

I remember another dream I had when I was in high school.  I was walking on a college campus, at least it seemed like a college campus because I was surrounded by young people. They were all walking somewhere, looking angry and there was this gloomy feel in the air.  There was a skin head, a girl that hated her own identity… this particular girl looked at me with such anger and said, “You just don’t understand,”  I then told her, “I struggled too.” Then all of sudden, light came through my hands, a very strong light, looked like rays of sunshine.  The light was a strong force, I could feel it in my arms, it took quite a bit of strength to hold my arms up.  Then I fell into someone’s arms (I’m thinking Jesus) and opened my eyes, they were filled with tears, and saw nothing but light, smiling faces, a rainbow, even.

So I guess, somehow I will bring light to the world….but first I must live in the light…

In this walk with God, I am realizing that it is now time to speak.  Listening to one’s problem was always easy for me and but for me to be open up about my pain, struggles… well, I only share with a certain few.  I don’t like to put all of my business out there.  I am private person.  Yes, I am social and can talk for days but my personal mess is my own personal mess.  I am okay in other’s eyes, at least that’s what I want to be seen as.  Come to me with your problems and I will have the resolution.  That was my MO and I was cool with it, yet in this choice I lost my very soul.  I was not being truly honest with myself.  I became the nurturer, making sure everything was okay with everyone else… yet, never coming to grasp of my own internal struggles and fears. I was never truly coming to grasp who I truly was, am… created to be.

I remember I had a dream in which I was in this huge church, filled with so many people.  The people were speaking non-stop, wanting to share their stories, and some praying.  There was a person with a microphone and it was now my turn to speak.  I smiled and turned away. I wasn’t ready.  The next person then took my turn and I just watched.  I had a similar dream in which someone from my past gave me the microphone. I took it… but don’t remember saying anything.

Speaking had always been a fear of mind.  God knew this of course and put me in situations in which I had to speak. A shy girl to heart I was terrified to open my mouth.  Dance and writing became my modes of expression.  Dancing required no words just body movement and my writing was private, journal writing that no one read, only I.  I was safe.

Now, after the hiding, the refining, it is now time to speak.  It is now time to be heard.  Be transparent.   The changes, the revelations, the call.

Hmmmm….

Since this move towards God, I feel like I have been called to hiding.  I don’t have huge roles on well-known stages nor in the works to have anything published or seen by the masses.  I am strictly doing kingdom work right now.   This type of work starts with molding the inner being.  To build the inner being successfully it must in service.  So, yes I am in the background…in the wings…the waiting room?  I have come to the realization that the ego must rest, with the intention to disappear in its entirety.

“When He talks of their losing their selves, He only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts (I am afraid, sincerely) that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever.” —The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis

While in hiding, I do tend to get distracted.  Social Media does not help much in staying on course.   They were many moments when I resided to fast from facebook (the only social media I take part in) to dismiss comparisons made from others’ profiles, but then ask my sister about certain individuals.  I would catch myself when I would do this, knowing I should not even bother.  So, I started to occupy my time….not in full on busyness but moved towards activities that brought me peace. I started reading spiritual texts (ie. The Bible) , writing, working out, and working with children.  I started to cultivate my own interests.  I was no longer looking to others to show me or inspire me… I was moving along on my own.

As I stayed on course, I was no longer in solitude, people started to appear on my path.  Some were new and some were from my past.  They understood me and were headed in the same direction as I was, as I am.

The letting go of self then leads you to be led.  You no longer have a 3 or 5 year plan, rather each day is being orchestrated to your needs.  These needs exceed your selfish desires to attain status and/or money but the ultimate need of refinement becomes the top priority.  In this trek to refinement, I had to let go of a lot of things that were comfortable to me.  This included some friends, places, activities… and move towards people, places and activities that caused growth from within.  This change was abrupt too! I would have a inkling, feel a push to go in a certain direction and then do it, not really knowing where it would take me.  I simply went with the flow.

In this flow.  I was alone for awhile, leaving behind some social circles, not knowing why.  I prayed, asking God, “why do I have to be alone?” only to receive the answer, “because it’s the only way.” I proceeded to follow through not knowing what was really happening to me. Yet, I knew I was changing or rather becoming or rather going back ….to me.  (I must reiterate again not the me I created but the me I was created to be.)  God had this plan for me and somehow on the course I got distracted or stepped away from Him, or maybe lost faith in Him and decided to do my own thing.

The prodigal son comes to mind.  My dad even called me that when I returned home from NY.  I was offended because I didn’t think I had become this ungrateful daughter running away from my family.  Yet before I left for NY (actually way before the move) my mind was made up that I knew exactly how to attain happiness, peace and success and it was not at home, so I left.  Don’t get me wrong I got a great education and had a great job….but I don’t think that’s how God intended me to go at it.  I felt this immense amount of heaviness…literally! I could feel my body slowing down.  I was working hard but not producing any fruit.

So, yes I am the prodigal son.  On my knees begging for mercy and willing to do it another way.  Not my will be done.

 

I had no idea how my life was going to pan out.  I was in dance most of my childhood and fell into acting in college and then concentrated in film in grad school, along the way became a teaching artist.  I simply went with the flow.  I never said I was an artist until now but still have some reservations about it.  An artist creates and his life is consumed with creating.  He markets himself and is seen by buyers to buy his work and then the cycle continues.  The cycle is generated my inspiration presented on a daily basis and then followed through with a creation, presentation, and sell.  Yet, what happens when the cycle ends, or rather is at a stand still.  The artist is stuck, uninspired, or simply spent.  Thus begins my tale.

I moved from New York in this state, worn out and used.  I was in the grind, full force.  Promoting me.  Invested in me.  Me was my client.  Yet, me got own my nerves.  I was in constant conflict with me.  Me would not let me rest because me was wrapped up insecurities that caused worry and anxiety on a regular basis.  I could not stand the me I had become and decided to leave her alone for awhile.

I came home to Houston with the plans to breathe for a bit.  The intent to stay three months led to three and half years. These past years have been filled with projects of the spirit.  Projects that cultivated my spiritual self.  These projects extended from performing in gospel plays and working in churches to relationships that refined my character, in which I had to attain my self worth.  These type of relationships, including friendships, were hard to endure.  The self was humiliated and beaten down in the process.

Yet, this process led to something good.  I was no longer concerned with the me I had created but the me I was created to be.  How God intended me to be.  The creator knows his creation.  My journey back to Him brought me back to my true self.  I was freed.